Starting From Scratch
by Duessa
Summary: The Cullens must rebuild their financial foundation, perhaps in less-than-honest ways, after all they have has been utterly squandered. This is definitely a COMEDY, so prepare to laugh! It's also a love story. BxE/AH, rated T
1. Sir Edward

A/N: Disclaimer: The Twilight characters are not mine; they belong to Stephenie Meyer. The humorous plot and so forth is mine. This work is entirely non-profit and no copyright infringement is intended in any way. Thank you for reading and please enjoy!

Stephanie

**EPOV**

It had been three weeks since my father humiliated us all by announcing that he had lost his job over_ two_ years ago. He had been maintaining our lavish lifestyle out of savings, but once those accounts were depleted, assets squandered and high interest credit accumulated beyond belief, we were forced to move out of our chic twelve bedroom mansion and crawl our way to the Northwest coast. It was the only place that Carlisle could find "decent" work. Well, I suppose that would depend on how one defines _decent_.

Upon crashing our family with the bad-enough news that he had been pretending to go to the hospital every day to perform intricate surgeries for the last two years, he really put the cherry on top when he announced that he had been slapped with sixteen lawsuits. Only three of them were successful on behalf of the plaintiffs, but that's as many as it took to cause him to lose his license to practice in the medical world - or anywhere like it - ever again.

Now he was the proud new starter-employee of a shrimp boat - not that he knows anything about shrimping... or navigating on water.

_"Hey,"_ he attempted to tease on the drive up, _"It was either that or a logger, and at least this way I can bring home dinner."_

Needless to say, it was terrible timing on his part to try to make the best of things. Everything we owned was crammed into our downsized 80s station wagon (the only thing we could find with a cheap coin after all of our other cars were repossessed) and an old clunker we pulled out of the dump and managed to fix up in haste before making the fourteen hour journey to the cloudiest parts of hell.

Well, the last three weeks of "shrimping" have been to no avail either. Turns out, shrimp only come through these parts in certain seasons, and this just happened to _not_ be one of them! As degrading as all of that sounds, here's the real kicker: he put down $4200.00 just to be able to secure himself a spot on the boat. That money, of course, was borrowed from a 24% interest line of credit he took out over the phone before having his shrimp epiphany. So, he's managed to misspend a little over four grand (plus insane interest that will never be paid down or off) and 294 man-hours at sea in the last twenty-one days. This, of course, is assuming he actually went to work for those "14-hour days." I'm not saying he didn't; I'm just saying it wouldn't be the first time he'd have lied about something like this.

This green, purple and yellow polo shirt and orange khakis are evidence that jobs are hard to find around this place.

"Welcome to Royal Burger, where _you're_ the king. I'm Sir Edward, how can I take your order?" Yes- even the name tag said "_Sir_ Edward."

I cringed every time I had to say it, which was every time a customer drove through my station. But hey, at least I could hide in the back! I would be too ashamed to show my face up front. Tons of the student body at Forks High came here every day after school for a deluxe Crown Burger. They were half price between three and five. Oh God! Working here was my biggest secret.

"Sir Edward," griped Becky, my shift manager, in her crankiest smoker voice, "You're needed up front. Daisy's down and can't make it in today."

Maybe Daisy wouldn't be down with her _bum knee_ if she didn't weigh, literally, over eight hundred pounds. But I wasn't about to tell Becky, Daisy's identical look-alike, anything like that. So I sighed and tried to think quick.

I shivered at the thought of having to show my face up front for the first time- or _ever_ at all, for that matter. There would be nothing in the world worse than being seen by other members of the human race not only in this "uniform" but being seen in it standing between Kevin and Melba. Kevin was the pimply kid with coke-bottle glasses. He was definitely a nerd, and _not _the kind of "hot nerd" that girls go for, but rather the kind that makes them take ten steps back as their ovaries scream _don't drop the egg!_ As for Melba, well she was the smells-like-grease-even-before-getting-to-work-and-firing-up-the-fryer girl who kept finding reasons to "accidentally" brush her boobs across me, even though there was always plenty of room for her to not have to "squeeze by" so often. Plus, when she laughed she whinnied like a horse and one time she managed to bust her chin open in the men's room on a urinal. Don't even ask me why she was in there. Her story is that she thought it was the ladies room and that she panicked when she saw the urinals, then slipped on the puddle left by the mop. I don't know. It's a weird thing. She ended up needing three stitches. I'm still not sure why she wore the neck brace for two weeks. I guess some things are _meant_ to remain a mystery?

"I…" I tried coming up with some kind of excuse, but began sweating as I knew I was running out of time.

"Up front… _now_!" Becky snapped.

Geeze! She sounded like that snotty paperwork-pushing slug thing from _Monsters Inc._ And she _looked_ like her too, only slightly pink instead of green.

"I'm not sure how to use the registers up front," I lied.

"They're the same as back there!" she yelled.

"I'm worried I won't be able to keep up with the crowd," I argued.

"I'm not gonna' tell you again! You want this job or not, Cullen?"

I sighed. _No. I don't _want_ the job._ Unfortunately, if Emmett and I wanted to drive the station wagon to school then it was our responsibility to come up with the gas money. I remember our first day rolling up in that piece. Alice was trying to hide in the backseat, hoping she might be able to sneak out of the brown Poop Tank, as Emmett called it, in the morning and then back in after school so she wouldn't actually ever be seen around it. And that is definitely was - a giant turd on wheels! Its brown paneling was peeling off to reveal some kind of 70s green underneath, the muffler sounded like a shotgun going off every time we screeched to a stop at the four-way, and it was missing both side-view mirrors. I'm sure that's illegal to drive around, but no one's stopped us yet.

"Sir Edward!" her vocal chords ground together tightly. "Up. Front. NOW!"

I removed my drive-thru headset and took the long march of social death up to the front of the restaurant. I keyed in my employee code at the greasy register as a grumpy heavy woman tapped her giant size-sixteen foot on the other side of the counter (the side I desperately wished _I_ could be on at that moment). She couldn't wait to order her seven Crown Burgers and the Squire Meal for the chubby kid who just ran off to the play area- to throw up in the ball moat, no doubt. There was at least one a week.

"What size would you like the meals?" I asked her.

"What's that?" the woman asked, not understanding that I was just doing my job by getting her crappy order right.

"The size: would you like to make them crossbows, longbows, or catapult meals?"

"What's the difference?" she barked with needless anger. Obviously, she was jonesin' for hamburger "meat" injected with fat, pig privates and artificial flavor to give it that right-off-the-grill effect.

"One's a small, one's a medium, and one's a large," I replied with as much dignity as I could muster.

"Well why didn't ya' just say so?" There was a look of murder in her eyes for some reason as she grunted the words. I simply gave a patient sigh and waited for her answer. "Make them the catapults. That's the big one, right?"

I nodded my head and punched in her order.

"Oh, but no axe sauce on the one with extra grilled onion rings," she amended.

I pressed the _hold_ key over the ketchup button.

She wasn't the last grumpy fuss to hop in my line. The next dozen or so were pretty much the same- give or take the various sauces: ketchup, tartar and mustard; otherwise known as axe, spear and sword sauces (_really_, someone must have been high when dreaming up this craphole). So far though, no one from school came through my line. That, at least, was good.

"Cullen?" came an obnoxious, amused voice from the front door.

_Just great: Mike Newton._

"Cullen- is that _you_?" he laughed.

He'd been looking for something to pin me against a wall with the last three weeks; ever since he'd caught me "making googly eyes" at his girlfriend, so he says. It's not my fault that I have to _look_ at my lab partner when sharing Biology assignments. It just kind of goes along with the territory of having Bella Swan as my lab partner. But try telling this fartknocker that!

"Oh man," he chortled, "It _is_ you! _Sir_ Edward! I didn't recognize you behind that jester's costume they make you wear. So, how long have you been working here?"

"Not long," I replied nonchalantly.

"Well?" he asked. "Are you going to do a proper job while taking my order?"

I swallowed my pride, and _tried_ to swallow my anger. I took a deep breath: "Welcome to Royal Burger, where _you're_ the king. I'm Sir Edward. How can I take your order?"

He boomed with laughter as Tyler and Eric walked in and saw the chaos that had become my miserable existence. They pointed at me and wasted no time in joining in on the laugh.

"Are these gentlemen harassing you, Sir Edward?" asked Kevin in a lispy retainer voice (not that he actually had braces or wore retainers, which was weird).

"Oooh, Cullen," Mike mocked. "Are your knights in arms here to rescue you from us?"

"Oh no, Sir Edward," Tyler laughed in a false soprano voice, "You're not a damsel in distress, are you?"

Melba leapt to my defense, which only served to make things worse.

"You big meanies leave him alone! He's new in town and probably misses his pals back home, don't you Edward?" They immediately busted into laughter after the word _meanies_.

"Oh no! Does _Sir_ Edward miss his mommy?" Eric laughed.

"No!" Kevin shouted. "His mommy is here in Forks. Gahl! You guys had better leave us alone, or my team of Dark Elves will pounce on you one of these days! Beware! We're level four with over 80 xp!"

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and index finger, wishing there was a hole I could crawl into. I couldn't imagine how this could get too terribly worse… until _she_ walked in.

"Mike!" Bella shouted from the door. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing baby," he winked.

"You're not harassing the staff again, are you?" She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at him.

"NO! Geeze! Why would you think that?"

"Oh, hmm, let me see. _Why_ would I think that? Maybe it's because it's what you do every day before football practice? You're going to be late and you know the coach's new policy."

"Screw the coach's new policy," he grumbled under his breath. He flipped Kevin off before leaving my line. "I'm the star of that team! They won't be kicking me off anytime soon."

"Still," she warned him, "It's better to just not be late. Now let's get out of here. And don't think I didn't see that!"

"See _what_?"

She slapped him on the back as he, Tyler and Eric left. She glanced back and turned around. She came up to my register and smiled at me.

"Sorry about that," she said warmly. "They can be real jerks sometimes, huh? You know, sometimes I feel more like a babysitter than a girlfriend."

_Then don't be either, _I thought.

"That's okay," I said. "We get rude customers sometimes. It kind of goes along with the job, you know?"

"They just don't know what it means to put in an honest day's work," she continued. "They've never had to lift a finger a day in their lives. I wonder if they ever will. My dad, he puts in ten hour days; sometimes _more_. I've always respected him for how hard he works. He earns that respect, you know?"

I nodded my head. "I'm sure he deserves a ton of it." Everyone in town knew how hard the Chief of Police worked around here. No one ever got away with anything; that was the saying at least.

"You know…" she said, "They're actually looking to hire another high school intern down at the station. I know you're a smart guy and a hard worker. I can vouch for that. After all, _you're_ the one who gets me through most of our Biology stuff. I think I'd be lost without you in that class. I could put in a good word for you? That is… if you're interested."

I wasn't about to let this opportunity pass me by! Not only was it a way out of Royal Burger, but it was a step closer to getting to know more about her.

"Of course I'm interested," I said, trying to sound not too excited.

"Good," she smiled. "I'll bring the application to school tomorrow for you to fill out. I'm sure you'll be the one."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because the Chief of Police is my dad," she laughed. "And he always says I know how to pick 'em, with the exception of Mike, of course."

We both laughed as she turned to leave. The place seemed to go dark after she was gone. I turned around to hear Kevin and Melba discussing how their role-playing group was going to try out some new techniques in which the actions of individual characters would be described in writing rather than speech. None of it made any sense to me and I literally counted down the minutes until I would be getting the hell out of this place for the night.

…

A/N: This fun little story is dedicated to my little sis, Jessica (DaughterOfHermesWatchUrWallet)! She's an awesome author here on fanfic! If you haven't checked her out yet, please be sure to!

Jess and I decided a little humor is fun to throw out there once in awhile. This is a product of that idea. By the way, the Royal Burger is a place we made up. We had a blast coming up with the meal terminology! Plus, we couldn't stop laughing at the idea of Carlisle losing his job and the family having to start from scratch! If you laughed, thank Jessica. She is the one who encouraged me to actually write the story rather than just laugh at a funny _what-if_ situation. Seriously, we came up with it in the car today. Funny how these things just happen, huh? ;)


	2. Jackpot

**EPOV**

I was happy to be off of work, but depressed to have to go home to the squalor that had become my life.

I knew before I even opened the door to our two-bedroom wasteland that Esme would be laying on the couch, sauced of course. Alice was fourteen, but I knew she would be in her bedroom playing with her _My Little Ponies_ collection. They were left over from some of the junk from the attic that didn't sell when we had to "liquidate" our belongings. After she'd lost all of her furniture and clothes to the repo guys, she'd regressed mentally to when she was about eight or nine.

"Eddie-bear!" she called from her room as I opened the front door to the dinky little house. "Come and see what we've built!"

Of course by "we" she meant her and her ponies. I walked to her door and looked inside. First I noticed that she had cut another chunk of her hair. She once prized her long locks and wouldn't cut them for the world. That, of course, was before her world collapsed. Now she had some jagged crumples that went down to her shoulders and others no longer than chin length. She had a crazy look on her face as she danced up to the door and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek.

"Sir Edward!" she announced proudly, bowing low to the ground. She motioned for a pony in each hand to bow down as well. "Welcome… to your _castle_!"

I rolled my eyes at the scale model castle she'd built out of toilet paper roles and trash for the most part. She flitted back to her pony palace and began to hum loudly to herself. She took a pair of scissors and started hacking away at one of the pony's manes.

"Bad, bad, _bad_ Daffidazy! You shouldn't be jealous of Cloud Climber's wings! For that… you must be… _punished_!" She continued hacking away at the pony hair with her lips pursed and her brow furrowed.

I glanced behind me to see Esme passed out on the couch in the living room. She was surrounded by a pile of cheap liquor bottles and expired TV guides.

"Edward!" Alice shouted. "I'll be Toola-Roola and you be Bay Breeze. Here," she said, handing me a plastic toy that looked like a squatting dog struggling to take a dump. I hated the pony poses. This one's hair had already been attacked and one of the ears was chewed off.

"No thank you, Alice," I declined politely.

"Then how about I be Star Catcher and you can be Rainbow Dash?"

She shuffled through her pile of abused ponies, trying to find the right ones.

"No," I said more firmly. "I'm not going to play, Alice."

"But Edward," she whined, "You _used_ to play ponies with me all the time."

"That's back when you were six," I argued, "And I was nine and the only way I could persuade you to play ninjas with me was to patronize you with one of those silly tea parties or help you dress your Barbies in those fruity outfits."

I shuddered at the memories. _I was only nine_, I tried to defend myself from my own judgments. _And I was desperate for someone to play ninjas with. That's the _only_ reason I played ponies._ I shuddered again and almost gagged. I thought being exposed at work tonight was the worst thing that could have happened to me, but now I realized that the very worst thing would be for them to know I played My Little Ponies with my sister.

"That's right!" she exclaimed. "I'd almost forgotten we used to be ninjas! Let's be ninjas _now_!"

She hopped up and kicked the ponies aside. She began swatting aimlessly at the air with her hands and feet. "Hi-yah!"

She was so into her own little crazy world that I decided she wouldn't even know I was gone. I closed the door to her room and turned around to take another look at Esme. Her mouth was agape and her unconscious lips hung slightly toward the direction her head was crooked. Gravity takes its toll, I guess. She was snoring slightly and wearing the same bathrobe she'd been in for going on two days now. When she fell asleep she must have rolled over onto her bag of chips. Smashed Doritos were caught on the cheap fabric all down the side of the crappy plaid couch and fell into messy piles on the floor.

"Gee," I mumbled, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say she was depressed."

I tried to chuckle at the despair the situation brought with it, but seeing my mother like that was rough. And seeing Alice that way… it was almost just too much. She had so much looked forward to starting high school this year; however, we'd all decided to keep her home when she had her break down. One day she was a well-polished, bright, happy girl: the next she cracked like a fragile egg. Who could really say where her mind was at this particular moment? It was probably trying to protect itself from the tragic reality that Carlisle was out of work, Esme was now a drunk and Emmett was addicted to working out. Oh yeah: and to the fact that I was _Sir Edward _at a Royal Burger. We'd all been pressed to our emotional extremes.

What I didn't understand was _why_ Carlisle allowed us to live that charade for so long. Never for a moment did any of us think that something was wrong. He played it real cool when buying that timeshare in the Hamptons last year. And when he brought home a new sports boat that he used _once_. Not to mention the time when he took us all to Vegas for a week and wasted 40 grand at the tables. That was just six weeks ago. We chalked that trip up to bad luck at the time, but never did we open our eyes to see that he was trying to multiply the last of our funds (all of which was borrowed money). Since then he's only borrowed more. The interest rates keep getting higher and higher each time he takes out a loan or applies for a card over the phone.

"Esme?" I asked, prodding my mother on the shoulder. "Esme?"

She sucked in a monstrous snore before coming to.

"Hmm?"

"Hey, Esme. Where's Emmett?"

She looked at me like she didn't know where she was for a minute. She smiled warmly.

"What's that, Edward?" she asked. She looked down at the bottles and the piles of chips; her smile left completely. "He's where he _usually _is."

That meant the basement. He'd set up a "weightlifting station" down there. Of course, we didn't have any money for actual gym equipment or for a membership to a gym. So, he made a makeshift gym. He hauled in a bunch of dead wood and rocks. The way he treated it all like it was actual equipment made him just as disillusioned as Alice.

"Emmett?" I called as I shuffled down the crappy wooden steps that might have cracked under me any given moment.

"Hold on, bro!" he hollered. "I've just got seven more sets of thirty-five reps to do with the medium logs and then I've got to get this boulder from here to there a few times. Wanna' join me for a sweat?"

I looked at him like he was retarded because in this moment, he pretty much _was_! I was beginning to get frustrated, and rightfully so! After all, I was the _only_ member of this family with an actual job; albeit, minimum wage. I seemed to be the _only_ one with any clue as to how bad off we really were; everyone else was just so focused on finding a way to mentally escape our situation.

"No," I hissed. "I _don't_ want to join you for a _sweat_."

"Oh," he said, wiping the perspiration off of his brow with his forearm. "Then why'd you come down here?"

"I just came to tell you that a job might be opening up at the Royal Burger. I'm going to be moving up and out of that place."

"No thanks," he said. "I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your uniform."

_What an ungrateful turd._

I turned and headed back up the stairs. After I'd taken a shower in our one bathtub it was past eleven and I was dead tired, but I couldn't get to sleep until Esme shuffled back into her bedroom. There were only two bedrooms in this place, and they were Carlisle and Esme's room and Alice's room. Emmett and I slept in the living room. He was usually up until two or three in the morning working out before he'd finally drop to sleep to get his three-and-a-half hours of quality time with his ratty old pillow.

"Esme," I said, prodding her again.

"What is it this time?" she snapped at me.

"I've got to get to bed."

"There's the recliner," she said, nodding toward the filthy garbage that was our furniture now.

I thought about just taking the vacant bed in her room, but I wasn't sure when Carlisle would be getting back. He'd gone out of town to see about a job selling electric toothbrushes door to door. Who knows how _that_ would turn out?

"I usually sleep on the couch," I said, hoping she might take the subtle hint graciously.

No such luck. "Well la-dee-dah!" She turned toward the inside of the couch and started snoring again.

I took a shabby, withering blanket and curled up in the floral-patterned recliner and listened to Alice singing musical numbers with her ponies until I finally drifted off to sleep.

…

The next day was as terrible as I knew it would be. Every time Mike or one of his loyal followers had the chance to make fun of me, they did.

But finally there was some good to look forward to. In Biology, as she said she would, Bella brought me an application for the intern stint down at the station. I was looking forward to the opportunity to put my brain to some use and to get paid for it. Another plus was that I wouldn't have to wreak of greasy flash-fried potatoes or frozen rotten "beef" patties on my way home from work anymore.

"Thanks," I said as she handed it over.

"I know you'll be the one to get the job. All you have to do is take it to Charlie after school. Think you can do it?" she laughed.

I nodded.

"Really, _thanks_," I insisted.

"You're welcome. I look forward to being able to see you after school as well as in Biology."

"After school?" I asked.

"Yeah. I work there sometimes too. Plus, I take dinner to the station a lot. The guys are always begging for some good ol' fashioned home cooking. I hope you like pork chops. That's what's on the menu tonight." She looked so pretty when she giggled and smiled.

"Love them," I said with a grin.

It was hard to focus the rest of the day. I hauled it as soon as the bell to last period rang. I gathered everything I needed from my locker to finish my homework and booked it to the police station. I straightened myself up as much as possible before grasping the application nervously and walking into the little building.

"Can I help you?" asked a lady behind a desk.

"Hello. My name is Edward Cullen. I have…"

"Right," she interrupted. "You have an appointment with the Chief. Have a seat. I'll let him know you're here."

"Thanks," I said.

I sat in one of the small plastic waiting chairs in the little lobby of the station.

"Hey there," came an enthusiastic Southern drawl. "Name's Jasper," said a blond kid, probably my age, as he extended his hand toward me. He was dressed in business slacks and a white dress shirt.

"Edward," I said as I shook his hand.

"I'm the other intern," he said. "When do _you_ start?"

"I'm not sure. I don't even know if I have the job yet."

"What are you talking about? Of _course_ you have the job. Do you start tonight? It would be mighty nice to not have to sort out all the paperwork alone at the end of the shift."

"I hope you're right."

His smile grew and he laughed. "I'm always right. Besides, I just happened to know a little lady who put in a good word for you."

"Bella?"

"Yup. She has her daddy wrapped around her little finger. But then again, what little girlie doesn't? I think she's putting a little more meat on the grill for dinner tonight. She's so sure you've got the job, you know. I can tell ya' this: if she's sure then we all have reason to be sure."

"Mr. Cullen?" said the receptionist. "The Chief is ready for you. He's back in his office." She pointed to the double doors behind her.

I walked down a long hallway. At the end there was a little name plaque on the door. _Chief Swan_, it read. I tapped lightly on the door.

"Come in."

He was sitting at his desk, writing over some old files.

"Have a seat Edward. I'll be with you in just a second."

I took a seat in one of the comfortable chairs in front of his desk and waited patiently. I looked around to find a picture of him and Bella. They were holding a fishing pole together with a large bass hanging from the hook. There was an American flag in a shadowbox frame, which was mounted next to a copy of the _Declaration of Independence_. There were piles of manila envelopes all over his desk and mismatched pens all over the place.

"We've been working on this case for months," he muttered. "It's been kept under wraps for the most part, but I'll tell you this: _someone_ in this town has robbed seven banks in this state. The trail always leads us to Forks, but once we get here, in my own home town, it all runs dry. You'd be right if you guessed that this is quite an embarrassing situation for me and Fork's finest. We've never let a murder go unsolved, or even allowed a dog to be off its leash. So, for something like this to be dragging out so long… well… it's just terrible."

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said.

"Yeah, well… we'll get it figured out. We _always_ catch the bad guy around here. So, Edward, tell me," he took my application and laid it down on the desk without even giving it so much as a glance, "When can you start?"

_Jackpot!_

"Uh… _now_?"

"Good. Go find Jasper Whitlock. He'll get you all fixed up."

That was it. I was now working for Bella's dad at the police station. Could things really be just that simple?

...

A/N: _My Little Ponies_ and _Barbies_ are little girls toys that have been around for as long as I can remember. I played with them and my daughter plays with them today. By the way, I didn't make up the names of the ponies. I just googled a list of names. They had pictures of each of them next to the name. It's true what Edward says: that Bay Breeze looks like a "squatting dog struggling to take a dump." Don't believe me? Look for yourself! ;)


	3. In Check

**EPOV**

The next three weeks were among the very best weeks of my entire life! Every single day I had the privilege of getting to know Bella better and better. She took to confiding in me about what a douche bag Mike Newton and his loyalists were. She was so bright that I wondered why it took her so long to discover this for herself? Nonetheless, I was happy she was starting to finally figure these things out.

Jasper Whitlock was also quite a character. He seemed to be so well-mannered and cordial, but the truth was that he was a seventeen-year-old kid with a driver's license that said he was twenty-two and a gambling problem. He kept offering me a fake ID, but I politely declined each time he suggested the idea. Despite whatever problems he may have had, he was one of the hardest workers around this place. His dream was to "go big" one day. I think he meant he wanted to become a detective in some huge city or something. I wasn't really too sure what he was talking about sometimes, but he was a hit with the Chief. He was one of the only members of the staff who Bella's dad trusted with all kinds of secret files, especially ones pertaining to the case of the mysterious bank robber. Sometimes he would view the files before the Chief did. Jasper said it was alright and that the Chief didn't mind, but then, I wonder why he would always be so careful about being sure to reseal the envelopes to look like they hadn't been opened at all?

After I got the job, officially, I had the honor of marching down to the Royal Burger where I tossed my uniform at Becky. I told that fat skunk exactly what I thought of her, sparing no detail as far as her nasty attitude and onion ring addiction goes. That was probably the single happiest moment of my life- since being forced to move here, that is.

It felt wonderful to move up in the world. My hard work was paying off and I had already received an employ-trial raise since putting in so much effort and professionalism the first two weeks. Also, I got to sit next to one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen and eat her home cooking every workday at five-thirty. I got to wear whatever I wanted instead of some demoralizing uniform and I was making friends with an interesting Southern character. All in all: not too shabby.

The problem now would be getting my family back on their emotional feet. I decided to start with Esme. After all, she was the parental figure around here. Maybe if I could snap her out of it first, the rest would follow.

"Esme," I said as soon as I got home from work one Friday afternoon. Fridays just happened to be paydays, and I was given this evening off since I would be called in to work this Sunday. "Esme, wake up."

She had been drinking again. It had become her niche. As she rolled over, a wave of wreak hit me so hard that I almost fell backward.

"Esme," I said, giving her a little push on the shoulder while turning my head away so as not to have to breathe in the air between us if she managed to actually speak. "Esme."

"Uh," she whined, "What is it, Edward?"

"Look!"

I took the paystub from my pocket and unfolded it before her goggle-vision-eyes. She shook her head a little and peered at it more closely.

"Edward!" she gasped. "How is it you are making so much money?"

_So much money_ is what it is now, but it's no more than she would have spent on a single pair of shoes a few months ago.

"I got a raise."

"Why would they pay a fry guy so much money?" she asked. She seemed shocked.

"I told you four times, Esme: I don't work at the Royal Burger anymore. I work down at the police station."

"Oh, right. Sorry. I keep forgetting. So, what is it that you _do_ down there?"

"I'm just a paper-pusher for the most part. But sometimes I am asked for a fresh perspective on a case and they seem to be interested in my ideas." Being appreciated by a dignified group of co-workers always feels pretty darn good. "Anyway, I'm not showing you to brag. I'm showing you to share. I want to help get everyone out of the rut we're in."

"Oh," she said sadly. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I can't think of any way to fix Alice and Emmett though. Sorry."

She reached for an uncorked, half-full bottle of warm champagne next to the couch.

"Well," I said as I pushed her hand away from the bottle, "Maybe if we worked on ourselves first. You know, I found a new job. One that I actually _like_ and that pays _more_ than I was making before. That's what I wanted more than anything. What is it that _you_ want to change about yourself more than anything, Esme?"

She crinkled one eye as she looked upward. She was obviously drunk, but trying her darnedest to concentrate.

"Well," she started, "I guess I want to not wear a bathrobe every day."

"Okay, that's easy enough. All you need to do is get dressed when you wake up each day. Anything else?"

"I don't want crazy kids."

"Sure. We'll work on them next. Right now we're focusing on _us_. What else do you want to change about _yourself_?"

"I know I'm a pitiful drunk, Edward. Is this what it's all about? Just say it if it is. I already know I am."

I nodded my head but never broke eye contact. She was about to fall into a well of self-pity and I had to keep her from making that misstep that would cast her in and bury her under drunken waters.

"I _know_," she started to cry. "I just miss your father. I miss our old home. I miss our old way of life."

"Well," I said, "Dad is out there doing his best. I'll talk to him to see if he can't try to find a job here in the town we're actually in. As for our old home and our old way of life, that's over mom."

"Edward!" she gasped. "You called your father dad, and you called me mom!"

"Oh. I guess I did." I reflected for a small moment on how I hadn't done that since Carlisle broke the terrible news about his lies and debt all that time ago. I guess it had been awhile since I've addressed them as such.

"Oh Edward!" she cried, wrapping her arms around my neck, "I promise to start stopping today."

"Do you really mean it, Esme?"

We waltzed through the house and picked up all the old, empty and half-empty bottles of alcoholic beverages, as well as all the trash just lying about. That alone took our house from looking like we were trash hoarders to looking nearly normal. We collected all the mail – mostly debt collection letters – and piled them on the kitchen counter. Esme washed the dishes while I sorted through the bills. They couldn't be neglected any longer. We'd just have to call each one and tell them our situation and see if we could make some kind of future-arrangement. It was while I was making one of these calls and taking notes about what they were willing to postpone for us that I saw a little envelope sticking out of the bunch. I pulled it out and saw that it was from Carlisle. It didn't have a return address but it was postmarked from Forks two weeks ago. I wondered why he didn't deliver it in person, or even let us know he was in town.

I opened it and read:

_Dear Family,_

_Sorry I couldn't make it home yet. I'm not far away. I have some big news! Selling toothbrushes didn't quite work out as planned, but I've found another job that did! I have a cash advance, which I'm enclosing here. Please use it to get the place fixed up and for God's sake: buy Alice something shiny so she might snap out of it! No more ponies. That's my only request. _

_I'll be home soon; probably three Saturdays from now. I can't wait to tell you all about my new profession!_

_Love,_

_Dad_

Behind the letter there was a cashier's check for twenty-five thousand dollars! I examined the thing to make sure it was authentic. How could this much money be possible for us? What was Carlisle up to that would afford us so much free cash? And why would he want us to _fix the place up_ instead of repaying our debts? If he had such a great job in some other place, why would he keep his family here in the middle of nowhere?

I decided to stop wasting time and put the money to good use. This amount of money made my paycheck look like chopped liver, but who was I to complain that it was too much?

"Esme," I said. "I'm taking Alice somewhere. I'll be back in a few hours."

She nodded her head and started singing a song. I ran to Alice's room and grabbed her.

"Come on," I said. "We're going shopping."

She had her back turned to me. Whereas she had once been fully engaged in pretending with her ponies, she crooked her head and turned around slowly. She didn't have such a crazy look in her eye now.

"Edward," she said, in a very grown-up voice instead of the pretend eight-year-old voice, "Did you just say… _shopping_?"

I nodded my head.

"For?" she prompted.

"For anything you'd like. Let's just get out of here. Oh, but there's one condition."

She waited anxiously to hear what would be asked of her.

"You _have_ to throw these ponies away."

She gathered them in her arms, shoved them in the pony palace, walked out to the living room and tossed them in one of the half-full trash bags.

"Done," she said very seriously.

"And one other thing," I amended. "You have to get your hair done. Come on; let's go!"

…

Alice snapped when she walked into the salon and sat in the chair. I guess she didn't realize that she had been cutting out chunks of her hair. It took the stylist a little over an hour, but by the time she was all done, everything looked intentional and chic. In fact, it was quite the polished cut.

"You look wonderful, Alice," I said enthusiastically.

"I know," she smiled. "Thanks, Edward."

Next stop was at the bank, where I deposited the entire cashier's check into my own account. I decided to not let my family know about the funds. I knew Carlisle would probably be home tomorrow, and I would explain to him that I simply couldn't trust the others not to blow the entire check in one stop.

I then took Alice to a reasonably-priced juniors department where she picked out some clothes for school. I would help her enroll the following Monday. We would explain that she had been homeschooled up until this point and that she decided to make the switch to public schools instead. No one would ever have to know about her break down. It would remain our little secret.

It was while we were shopping in this particular store that I heard my name called.

"Edward!" came a familiar Southern accent.

"Jasper?" I asked, before I even saw him.

He ran up to me and laughed. "What are _you_ doing in this section?"

"Oh," I said, looking around at all the women's apparel, "You mean the lady's area?"

He laughed again and nodded.

"I'm here with my sister," I explained. "Jasper, this is Alice."

Alice immediately blushed when she saw him.

"Hi there," he said, nodding his head at her. "I'm Jasper Whitlock. Your brother and I work together down at the station. How is it that he's been working there all this time and you've never come down to visit?"

"Um," she said, biting her lip and blushing a little more, "I don't know."

"Well, we would always be happy to see you, should you ever prefer to pay us a visit," he said with a big, flashy white smile.

"Okay," she mumbled as she smiled back.

My first worry was Jasper's gambling problem. I wondered if he would be able to get a handle on something like that any time soon; preferably _before_ he started courting my little sister. I decided to relax a bit though. Jasper was a good guy, all in all. It felt like the mood was getting a little too serious around here and I opted to break it up.

"So," I said, interrupting the goo-goo eyes they were making at one another, "What are _you_ doing in the lady's section, Jasper?"

"Oh," he said, chuckling a bit, "My step-sister is in town and I've been forced to drive her around while she's staying with us this weekend."

"Oh?" I said, looking around, waiting for him to introduce someone. "Are you sure you're not here for your own shopping benefit?"

"Well," he laughed, "You know how I just love floral patterns." He grabbed a petite gown from a nearby rack and held it up to his form. "What do you think, Alice? Is this the right shade to bring out the blue in my eyes?"

Alice put her hand over her mouth as she giggled. "I think I like the pink ones better than the purple."

"Oh," he said, exchanging the one dress for the other. "This one here?"

She giggled again. "I really do like this one, actually. But on _me_ instead of _you_." She took the dress from him and held it up to herself. "What do you think?"

Jasper let out a long whistle and then laughed. "Yup. That's the one, I think."

"Jasper!" snapped a bombshell blond from behind us. "I've been looking for you. Why is it that you always disappear? Can't you just wait patiently for once?"

"Sorry Rosie. I can't help it. I get all squirmy when you take half an hour to try stuff on."

She pushed a large pile of clothes into his arms, expecting him to carry them around for her I guess.

"Alice, Edward," Jasper said, doing his best to motion to the blond girl even though his arms were full, "This is my step-sister, Rosalie Hale. She lives in Port Angeles with her mom. My mom and her dad got married about four years ago."

"Hi there," she said, with a large, genuine-looking smile.

She'd pretty much ignored the fact that we were standing there until Jasper introduced us.

"Hi," I said. "It's nice to meet you. Jasper and I work together. Alice is my sister."

"Oh," she said, and then walked off to do more shopping.

"Well, we'd better be going," I said. "You have everything you need for now?" I asked Alice.

She nodded shyly, since Jasper was still there. I was sure she would protest to leaving the store if it were just the two of us.

"Be sure to drop by, Miss Alice," Jasper reminded my sister as we walked to the registers to pay for her clothes.

"I will," she called back with a dazed smile.

…

Now that Alice was pretty much back to normal, I decided it was time to head back to the house and see how things were around the homestead. I was shocked when I saw Emmett upstairs, vacuuming.

"Hey," I addressed him.

Alice ran to her bedroom to hang up her clothes, of course. Esme was in the kitchen, reorganizing everything in the drawers and shelves.

"Hey bro!" he said happily. "Did you know vacuuming can burn up to three hundred calories an hour?"

There it was. He may have been upstairs doing chores, but his mind was still in the work-out rut it had always been in since moving here. I had an idea.

"Emmett," I said, taking a seat on the ugly plaid couch. "I have an idea. Why don't we get you into a gym? You know, like you used to be?"

"Oh?" he asked. "How exactly is _that_ supposed to happen?"

"If you get rid of the logs and rocks downstairs and promise to never work out in this house _ever again_, I will sign you up for a membership at the local gym. I got a raise and I think it would be a wise investment, for _both _of us, if I make this deal with you."

"Agreed!" he said.

"You still have to do the chores that Esme asks you to do, such as vacuuming, but no more talking about how many calories you're burning or how much muscle you're building. Deal?"

He nodded his head and smiled as he finished vacuuming.

In the laundry room off the hallway I heard a buzzer go off.

"There we are!" Esme called. "They're all finished! Nice, clean sheets for over the couches for my two boys! I've already made Alice's bed and my bed too. Now we should get started on the blankets!"

Things had certainly made a positive turn from where we all were just this morning when I left the house. Hopefully giving everyone the very minimum of what they were used to would help keep our home in check for a little while. I looked around at how happy everyone had become in such a short amount of time, praying it would last. Then I looked at the shabby furniture. It didn't really seem to fit the place anymore now that the mood had lifted so much.

"Come on Esme," I said, looking at my watch.

We still had a few hours before the furniture stores would be closed for the night. If we were lucky, we might be able to talk them into an early delivery.

"One more thing," I told Emmett as I escorted Esme out of the house, "Get this furniture to the curb. All of it. Garbage man comes early in the morning and we want to be ready for him."


	4. For the Love of Money

**EPOV**

"Psss! Edward!"

I heard sharp whisperings from somewhere outside of my dreamland. I woke up slowly and rolled over on the new fold-out couch to see Carlisle crouched by the front door of the living room.

"Dad?"

I wondered if this was all in my imagination, but then I remembered that the letter he sent two weeks ago did say he would probably be home today. _Then_ I _also_ remembered the cashier's check for twenty-five grand. I hopped out of bed as he motioned for me to lay low. Apparently, he didn't want to be seen by anyone else. I crept slowly by Emmett's obnoxious snores.

We exited the house and I immediately regretted not putting any pants on. I was standing in the yard with nothing but my boxers as the sun – which was rarely ever out at all – was beginning to rise over the small, usually cloudy, little town. I was waiting for some poor little old lady to walk by and be offended at my more than partial nudity.

"What is it?" I asked. "Why are we sneaking around?"

"That's a valid question," he said, nodding his head. "Well, I figured you got the check? I mean, I can see by the furniture and all…"

"Yeah," I nodded. "We just got it yesterday, actually. It was buried under all the neglected bills."

"Hmm," he said, "I see."

"That makes me wonder, dad, about the bills and all…"

"Yeah?"

"Are we going to be able to afford to pay them?"

"I'm working on that right now. I have a really interesting job. I've kind of hit it big, if you know what I mean."

"No," I said, "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. Tell me, please, how you got so much cash."

"That's just the first of it!" he smiled brightly. "There's plenty more where that came from."

"How? What are you doing? You said selling toothbrushes didn't work out, so what couldn't you wait to tell us all about your new job?"

"Well, see son, now that's the thing. I'm going to tell the family something different than what I'm telling you. It's just that I don't think they can handle the truth, you know?"

I shrugged my shoulders. The truth was that I didn't know; not a single thing. I was still waiting to hear it all from him, and I hoped this conversation was going somewhere with that idea. It worried me that he seemed to be anxious and coy.

"Edward, I'm in a line of business I'm not actually proud of. That's why I work out of town. I'm going to have to lie to the others. But I'll let you in on a little part of what I do."

"Okay," I said, hoping he would just spill the beans already.

"I… I'm… I do things that would usually make a descent man like myself blush. But these are rough times for the family; you know that! And… it's just… it's just that I know how money was always the glue that kept our family together. It's not like we ever shared anything about ourselves with one another. We were all just so busy with our own little worlds, you know."

"I know, I know," I hurried him. I already knew all of this. Why was he still being so hesitant?

"I am a desperate man, son. Desperate, I tell you! I just want to make that clear before I expose myself for the terrible person I've become."

"Dad," I tried to console, but wondered if it would do him any good.

"No, Edward. Let me have my self-pity. I'm afraid it's what's replaced my dignity these days. So now, on with the disgusting tidbits of my job."

I stood there in the morning light as people began to drive by and stare at us. I'm sure we looked more than half mad; especially when my father dropped down on his knees and began to sob into my boxers.

"Just don't judge me too harshly, son."

"I won't dad. I promise," I said, trying to brush him away.

I tried to help him up but he wouldn't budge. He hardly noticed that I dragged him across the lawn and into the back yard.

"I've done things you wouldn't approve of, son."

"It's okay, dad," I whispered, hoping he might take the hint to lower his voice too.

"And I appreciate your taking care of everyone while I've been gone. I just know you've done all you can do. How's your job at the Royal Burger working out anyway?"

I rolled my eyes because I knew he was still trying to delay giving me information.

"I don't work at the Royal Burger anymore," I explained.

"No?"

"No. I work down at the station."

"The station?"

"Yes. I work at the police station."

He took a large gulp and turned pale.

"Oh, I see," he said. "You know," he looked at his watch, "I think it's actually time for me to get going. I have to go, Edward. I'll see you soon. I'll try to drop in next time I'm in town."

"You didn't drop by the _last_ time you were in town. I saw the envelope, you know. It's postmarked from right down the street, dad."

"Did anyone else read the letter?" he asked.

"No. I was the only one. In fact, I put the entire check…"

"Good," he said. "Don't let them read it. If they ask where I got the money, tell them I won it."

"Won it?"

"Gambling."

"Dad- that will never work. Mom would never buy that."

"No?" he argued. "She would never believe I'd be gone weeks at a time either, but here we are."

"Why don't you just come home? It sounds like you despise whatever it is you're doing and you can just quit. We can use the money to start over; to just rebuild."

"I can't," he sobbed. "There is too much money to be had out there in this industry. I have to have more. You don't understand, Edward: that's why I was such a sham of a doctor. I became greedy and didn't listen to what my patients needed. I recommended surgery after surgery that they just _didn't need_! I've paid for that and lost my good name and career and now I have to find another way to make the money!"

"Dad," I reasoned while pulling him up from off the ground and brushing him off, "You don't _have_ to make a lot of money. Just find reasonable work with reasonable pay. So what if you're never a doctor again and so what if this is the house where we live? So what?"

He began to tear up and maybe for a second he saw some shred of reason?

"No," he said suddenly. "It's kind of you to not mind how much I make or where I live; however, I'm convinced that the rest of the family won't feel that way."

"You don't know how they'd feel. You've never stopped to _ask_ them how they feel! It's thinking crazy like this that got us into this whole fix in the first place. You didn't _have_ to keep up appearances like that! We could have invested the money we still had after you lost your practice! _And_, you never would have lost it in the first place if you weren't so desperate for money the way you were then and the way you are now. You need to slow down and really take a good look at your family, Carlisle! You need to be the one to take care of us!"

"I _am_ taking care of my family!" he said hotly. "Why do you think I'd do something I despise myself for so much, Edward? Why do you think I'd do that, huh?"

"Because you don't understand that your family loves you regardless and that we all need you here."

His anger dissipated and his eyes turned red and glossy.

"I _will_ be here. Soon. I just need to take care of some unfinished business first. This isn't the kind of thing someone can just walk away from. After Sunday morning, then we'll be set. Our family will be set for life after this big one comes through! You'll see! I'll be home by Monday night and this will all be over. Then we can afford to just get the heck out of this place and go wherever we'll want to go. In fact, we'll _have_ to move, I think. I wouldn't want to have any run-ins, you know?"

He sounded so paranoid now and out of hand.

"Dad," I pleaded, "Just stay. Just stay home today. Just stay here and don't go back."

"I'll be back very soon!" he said, trying to smile. "I'll be back before you even know it. Then we can just move on."

He turned to leave. I let him go. I knew there was nothing that I could say or do to convince him to stay.

…

"Wake up boys!" Esme called from the kitchen.

I had gone back in the house after the whole thing with Carlisle went down. I managed to fall back asleep, even though it was near impossible with Emmett's monstrous snores.

"Breakfast will be ready in just a few minutes. Will one of you please go wake your sister up? Come on, come on, you lazy daisies! How is it you are even capable of sleeping in until nine-thirty?"

I shuffled to the floor and folded the couch back up so that it appeared to be just a couch. I went to Alice's door and gave it a tap.

"Come in," she said.

I opened the door and saw my sister, who was already dressed and ready for the day. Her hair was done, her makeup was on and she was wearing one of her new outfits that she picked out last night. When she flashed her lovely smile it was almost like stepping back in a time machine and seeing her the way she was before.

"Alice!" I said. "What are you up to today?"

"You know, I've never actually been around this town," she said. "I was hoping I could take a tour of it."

"There's not a lot to see," I explained, "But I'll drive you around so you can see that for yourself. Where would you like to go?"

"Well," she said, blushing, "I've never been by your work or anything. Is, um, is Jasper working there today?"

"I think he is," I said with a knowing smile. "Let's eat breakfast and I'll swing you by to say hi. I need to take Emmett to get a gym membership too."

"And maybe we can do a little more shopping?"

"Don't press your luck, Alice," I laughed.


	5. Jasper's New Car

**EPOV**

By the time Alice, Emmett and I got home late Saturday night, we pretty much all had dates planned.

Alice and Jasper hit it off right away at the station, where Jasper couldn't have waited for more than three and a half minutes to secure a date. That was followed by Emmett meeting Rose at the gym we signed up at. She was busy smashing her competition's trash in the cardio kickboxing class. For Emmett, it was pretty much love at first sight; however, if they should ever break up, I feel sorry for him in advance. I'm sure she could take him down.

Both of them planned on going out on dates the following evening. In that meantime, I would be working at the station with Bella, which might as well be considered a date. After all, there's dinner and low lighting in the lobby and she always confides everything in me. Sometimes, even though this is totally pathetic and I know she's dating Mike Newton in reality, but still, sometimes… I pretend we _are_ on dates. It feels like there's nothing she holds back from me; as if we were already two souls perfectly aligned. I'm not insulting her by claiming that she's simple or easy to read by any means. It's really quite the opposite. I'm a pretty good people-reader; however, it would be difficult, if not impossible, for me to know what she was thinking if she didn't tell me all the time. I'm just so sure that she _does_ tell me everything. After all, what would a good girl like her ever have to hide? She's the Chief's daughter after all. I'll bet there's _nothing_ she gets away with.

So, for all intents and purposes, I was very much looking forward to our little _date_, if you will.

That is… until I saw the news Sunday morning. _Another_ bank had been robbed. I couldn't help but wrestle with that nagging feeling that a certain someone I knew might have had something to do with it. Carlisle's strange behavior the day before raised more than a few suspicions with me. I actually felt the hairs on my neck raise as I listened to the report.

Is this what he meant by the _big one_? Is this what he meant by our family being _set for life_? I listened to the reporter announce that a total of sixty million dollars had been swiped between the now _eight_ bank robberies. But you know, it made me wonder: if he had robbed millions upon millions of dollars from these banks, why the check for only twenty-five thousand? I wasn't being stingy, but I _did_ wonder. I guess he didn't want to raise too many suspicions, even from his own family. Just a guess.

"Edward!" Bella said brightly as I entered the lobby of the station that evening. "I brought us dinner. It will be only us tonight. I'm afraid Jasper is sick today."

"Oh," I said, pretending to be sad, "That's too bad. I hope he feels better soon."

She giggled. "I'm sure he will. Between you and me, though, I think he may have been on one of his gambling sprees. Don't be too surprised if he shows up for work tomorrow in a new car or something."

"If he wins so much in gambling, why does he bother showing up for work at all? I mean, why bother working if you can make it on risk?"

"He's definitely got Lady Luck on his side," she laughed, "But he loves his job here."

"Pushing paper?" I asked. "He wouldn't rather be soaking in a hot tub somewhere instead?"

She started unpacking dinner and laying it out before us on a small table.

"He really likes it here," she said.

"So do I. In fact, if I won the lottery or something big like that, I'd still be here every day. I think it's your cooking, or something," I teased.

I loved that she blushed at that.

"Well, I'm glad you like it. Maybe it's what draws Jasper back too?" she said with a smile.

"What time was he supposed to pick Alice up for their date?" I asked.

"In a few hours," she said. "After he's done playing hooky and _being sick_."

"Where's he gambling at, by the way?"

"I'm not really sure. I don't ever know too much about it. All I know is that he wins a lot."

"Oh, that's nice," I said, taking a bite of the bar-b-q ribs.

"Here," she said, passing me a wet wipe for my hands. "So how was your morning?"

"Um," I said, not really sure what to say about it all. But then, she confided so much in me. Maybe, if I were vague enough then _I_ could get away with at least somewhat confiding in _her_ for a change. "Have you heard anything more about the bank robberies? Do you think the one from this morning was related to the other seven?"

She stopped chewing suddenly and looked at me very seriously.

"I can't say for sure. I mean, how would _I_ know?"

"I don't know," I said. "I just thought that since you'd been here since this morning, maybe you'd heard something about it around the station?"

"Well, I guess it's not out of the question that they're related. It certainly does _seem_ that way, doesn't it?" She took a large gulp of her iced tea.

"Yeah. It does _seem_ so."

There were a few minutes of silence that seemed to be a bit awkward. Maybe it was me feeling awkward. I was trying to figure out a way to tell her that it was my own dad who robbed the banks without actually _telling_ her.

"I think I might know something about the robbery," I said without really thinking about what I was saying.

"Oh?" she smiled. "Really? _You_?"

"Yeah. I think I do, actually. Know something, I mean."

"And what is that, Edward?" she smiled.

"I think I might actually know who did it. You see, it's this person that I think I know really well. It's someone important to me, actually. It seems like they would have confided in me about it by now. I mean, I know I've only been in this situation for a few months, but I think this _certain individual_ might have _almost_ told me once or twice. It certainly did _feel_ that way, anyways. Know what I mean? Ever felt anything like that before?"

"Hmm," she said, nodding her head slowly. "Maybe…"

"But anyway, the truth is that if it _is_ who I think it is, my feelings are actually a little hurt. You know, that someone who is supposed to be so close and all didn't tell me something they normally would… or _should_. You _do_ think I'm trustworthy, don't you Bella? I mean, _you_ confide in me, don't you?"

"Yes," she said slowly. "But maybe this person of whom you're speaking isn't in it alone or something? You know? Maybe they _want_ to tell you, and almost _did_ tell you even. You know, like you said you felt like they almost did. But sometimes people are a part of a… what do you want to say, like, a _collaboration_. That's how a lot of these kinds of things get pulled off. Don't let your feelings be too hurt, if they didn't tell you. Plus, maybe they don't want you to think less of them. Maybe they think you're just too nice of a guy to be allowed to know something like that about them. Ever thought of that?"

"I see," I said flatly.

"You know," she said suddenly, "I think I might not be feeling so well after all. I think I might need to get going."

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said. "Is it something I said?"

I was worried that I might have offended her by telling her that I might know who the bank robber is, but that I wouldn't actually give out a name or something. Or, I might have just been paranoid. Maybe she _really did_ feel sick all of a sudden.

I finished eating quickly and helped her get everything packed up. I carried it all out to her truck for her and opened her door.

"I like you, Edward," she said to my surprise.

"You do?"

"Yes. I hope you know that I confide in you as much as I'm able."

"I do believe that," I said.

"Do you really?" she asked. "We all have our little secrets you know?"

"Bella," I said, brushing the back of my hand down her arm and taking her hand gently in mine. "There's _nothing _you could tell me that would make me think less of you. I like you too, after all. I'm so happy you confide in me. Please tell me anything you like. I love… hearing everything from you."

"I'm glad to hear that," she said as she took a step closer to me.

Our lips were so close and my heart pounded as I realized that mine might touch hers if I leaned forward less than half an inch. A strange pause ate up the few seconds we had between us as we stood so closely to one another.

"See you tomorrow in class?" she asked. She took a step back and I immediately regretted not kissing her when I had the chance.

"Yeah," I said, shaking my head to try to snap out of it all.

I watched her hop in her truck and drive away.

"_Why_ didn't I just kiss her?" I grumbled as I walked back into the station.

…

A few hours later I got a call on the main landline from my sister, who was in tears.

"He's not coming!" she sobbed.

"What Alice? Calm down. Who's not what?"

"Jasper!" she wailed into the receiver. "He's not coming to pick me up. I don't think he likes me."

"What makes you say that?" I asked. "Of course he likes you. Maybe you can't see the way he looks at you, but I can definitely tell that he likes…"

"He cancelled our date!" she interrupted. "He says he's sick, but I think he just decided that he doesn't want to take me out."

"Hold on a minute. Have you ever considered the possibility that he's really not feeling well? Bella went home early this evening too because she wasn't feeling well. Maybe they've both come down with the same bug?"

"Ohh!" she cried violently.

"What?"

"I should have _known_!"

"Known _what_?"

"They're in it together!"

"In what, Alice?"

"Don't you see? They've both got mono because they're secretly dating!"

"Don't be paranoid."

"Now that I can reflect back on it, I can see clearly! I should have known yesterday. All the signs were there. They made… _eyes_ at one another!"

"What?"

"Yeah! They were talking about today and they made _eyes_ at one another! It was their secret way of telling each other something about today! I'll bet they're together _right now_!"

"What? You're sounding paranoid Alice. Why would Jasper bother asking you out if…"

"Whaaaah!"

_Click._

I stood there in shock for half a moment before I realized I was still holding the receiver in my hand. I laid it down and started packing up for the night. I had less than five minutes before my shift was over, and I figured no one would mind me leaving early. I locked up the files that were strewn about the receptionist's desk and straightened up the chairs in the lobby before I made my way out to my car.

Half way there is where things began to move almost too quickly for me to remember what really happened.

It went dark. Something covered my head by force and I was tossed into what felt like a backseat. It had a new-car-smell and the seats felt like fresh leather. An intense engine roared as the tires squealed. My hands were tied behind my back by whoever was sitting next to me in the back seat. Whoever it was had the strongest grip I'd ever felt. I had no idea how fast the driver was really going, but the way my body was tossed around the cab of the car each time a sharp turn was made caused me to have a vomitty feeling. Maybe it was ten minutes, or maybe it was half an hour: I really don't know, but at last, the vehicle came to a final stop. I was pulled out of the backseat and thrown against the bumper of the car.

I gasped when the bag was taken off my head.

"_Rose_?"

"Shut up!" she screamed.

I heard the driver's side door open and footsteps head toward us.

"How'd ya know?" came a Southern drawl.

"_Jasper_?"

What the hell was going on?

"Ya'd do wisely to answer the question, partner, before things get too ugly 'round here. Now, out with it once and for all! How'd ya know?"

"Know _what_?" I asked desperately.

Rose smacked me across the face and I saw stars for a minute.

"Was that really necessary?" I whined.

"Shut up, I said!" she yelled, accompanying it with another slap in the other direction.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" I yelled. "I don't know what you want me to say!"

"How did you know it was us who robbed those banks?" Rose snarled.

"What?"

"Now's not the time to play dumb," Jasper warned.

"I… I… I _didn't know!_"

"That's not what Bella said," Rose spat.

"_Bella_? Bella too?"

Seriously, what the _hell_?

"She told us you were giving her signals," Jasper said flatly. "She said you must have known she had something to do with it. She was feeling guilty for not confiding in you and she wanted us to let her confide in you."

"I said hell no!" Rose shouted.

"And what did you say, Jasper?" I asked.

Rose raised her hand to slap me again. I flinched.

"Stop!" I heard her voice as the passenger door opened. I heard her footsteps coming fast, which I guessed meant that she was running to my rescue. "I made a mistake. He doesn't know. I know him and he's not lying! He really just doesn't know!"

Rose slapped me anyway.

"Ouch!" I whined.

Bella knelt down and untied my hands.

"We can't just let him go, darlin'," Jasper warned her.

"What do we do with him?" Rose asked.

"I don't know," Bella said sadly. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," I smiled. After all, I'd told her in a nutshell just a few hours previous that there was nothing I could find out about her that would make me think less of her. So, I guess I _had_ to be okay with this.

"You're going to have to be one of us," Rose said sharply. "But that doesn't mean you get a split yet. You have to actually put in _work_ before you get paid out."

"Yup," Jasper agreed. "That's how it's gonna' hafta' be."

"Oh, Edward!" Bella sobbed. "I didn't mean to get a nice guy like you all wrapped up in this sort of trouble. But tell me: _who_ did you think it was that was robbing those banks if not us?"

"I… I thought it was my dad."

Rose and Jasper glanced between one another and laughed.

"What?" I asked.

"Well," Jasper explained, still snickering, "Working at the station has its advantages in a way. You didn't think we hired you without running a check on you, did you?"

"What do you mean?"

"We know everything about you," he said.

"Everything," Rose laughed. "About you _and _your family, and that includes your dad. Let me just say he _hasn't_ been shrimping."

"What? What _has_ he been doing then?" I asked.

"You'll just have to ask him for yourself," Jasper laughed. "Now get in the car. We're going home."

"I can't believe I missed my date with Emmett for this bull crap," Rose said, shaking her head in disappointment.

"At least we know he won't be any trouble," Jasper said as he climbed into the driver's side.

Bella guided me to the backseat of the car, being that I was so frail from the shock. Jasper hit the gas hard and drove home just as recklessly as he'd driven to the middle of nowhere to leave me to be tortured by Rose if Bella hadn't intervened.

"So," I started, "By _gambling _you _really_ mean to say?"

"It means robbing banks," Bella laughed. "I mean, come on, Edward! No one could possibly get so lucky behind a table or a slot machine. It takes a fair amount of luck to get away with as much as we do, but it mostly takes skill and talent. It's a lot easier to rob a bank than win in Vegas. We three just happened to be very practiced and knowledgeable in our craft."

"Not to mention," Jasper chimed in, "We have our advantages in covering it up. I mean, we're the ones in charge of the files down at the station. Ever wonder why the trail runs dry?"

I thought about that for a moment and about all the envelopes that Jasper opens and oh-so-carefully reseals before handing them in to the Chief.

"Nice car," I said to Jasper.

"I told you to not be surprised if he showed up in a new one," Bella teased.

"Yeah," I said, trying to laugh. It would have been cute, this little scene, if it weren't for the fact that this was simply ridiculous and crazy!

My head was still spinning as I slowly wrapped it around what was going on here. Carlisle was _not_ the bank robber, but Jasper, Rose and Bella _were_. How did Carlisle get the money then and why was it so funny to Jasper and Rose? And what did it mean to be _one of them_ now? Was I going to be robbing banks from now on?


	6. Face Value

**EPOV**

It was awkward in Biology the next day, given what I knew about the wide-eyed girl who sat next to me. She appeared to be so innocent. Who would have guessed she had anything to do with anything at all- so far as crime-related things go?

She walked in as usual and sat down next to me. She smiled, as she usually did, and asked me how my morning was.

"Fine," I said wearily.

"Good," she said with a pleased grin. "I'm feeling better, by the way."

"Huh?"

"Last night, remember?" she asked.

_Remember what? When you and your goonies tied me up like a hog and threw me blindfolded into Jasper's new car that he bought with stolen money? You mean that?_

"You know, when I went home early because I wasn't feeling well? Well, I'm better now."

"Oh," I said simply. "I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better."

"Hey Cullen!" yelled Mike from two lab tables behind us. "Stop flirting with my girlfriend!"

"Why do you date him?" I whispered.

"Oh," she giggled, "You'll see."

There was something devilish about the way she said the words, as if there was something sinister in the works.

Class started before I had a chance to press the issue any further and Mike immediately stole her away from me so that I didn't have a chance to talk about it after class either. It wasn't until later at the station that I finally had an opportunity to speak with her again. Jasper was there too.

"Rosie is bringing us dinner tonight," he said cheerily.

"Oh?" Bella asked. "I didn't' know she could cook."

"She can't," he laughed. "I think she's stoppin' by to check in on our latest _addition_."

They both paused and looked at me.

"She's not going to throw me in the back of your car again, is she?" I wondered out loud.

The both broke out into laughter before Jasper answered, "Maybe."

Just then, the front door of the lobby swung open.

"Hi Alice," I said.

She looked less than enthusiastic to be here. I guessed it was because she was still so upset at Jasper for cancelling their date last night.

"Here," she said, handing me a bag.

"What is it?" I asked.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. Esme made me bring it to you. That's all I know. I told her I didn't want to come, but she forced me."

"How did you get here?" I asked.

"Emmett drove me in the _other_ car," she said, referring to the pile of crap we saved from the all-too-common destiny of scrap metal.

"Thanks," I said.

"Would you like to stay for a few minutes?" Jasper asked her. "I see Emmett is busy."

He motioned out the window to Emmett, who was parked in the fire lane. He was chatting with Rose who had a large picnic basket in one hand. They were laughing and smiling at one another.

"No," she said flatly, "I really think I need to be going."

"Before you leave," Jasper hurried to say, "I was wondering if you might want to decide on a raincheck from last night? I missed not being able to take you out, you know."

"Oh," Alice said suspiciously, "Is that so? Well, no thank you Mr. Whitlock. I don't think I'll be taking you up on that offer."

"What? Why ever not?" he asked with surprise.

"Well, it just so happens that I stopped by your house last night to surprise you with chicken-noodle soup. Your mom answered the door and said she had no idea you weren't feeling well and that you were already out with someone. She said you went to pick _someone _up in a car you just bought." Alice stared at Bella and Bella looked between me and Jasper.

"Did she say _who_?" he asked stupidly.

"Alice," Bella soothed, "I know what you're thinking, but it isn't the case. Jasper and I aren't like that."

"No?" she questioned bitterly. "But he cancelled a date with _me_ to pick _you_ up. Isn't that correct?"

"Yes," she confessed, "But it's not what you think."

"Well, unless anyone would like to explain to me what I _ought_ to be thinking about that, I'll just be going now."

She walked out the door and tried to slam it behind her, but it was pressurized and closed very slowly. She stomped her foot and let out a little aggravated sigh before she stalked to the car and snapped at Emmett.

"What's your sister got up her butt?" Rose asked as she came into the station.

She set the picnic basket she was carrying down on one of the small tables and pulled out four Crown Burgers; the very same ones that are half price at the Royal Burger every day after school. My stomach churned when I saw them.

"See these?" she asked. "These aren't only what we're having for dinner tonight, but they're what _you_ will be making for the rest of your life if you squeal on us. Hear me, mister?" she asked me. "Now, I didn't drive all this way just to eat a crappy dinner with you three. I'm here to make sure that _Sir_ Edward gets a few things straight about us. First of all, you're a part of this group now and there's never any leaving it. You're stuck with us and if you try to skip town under _any_ circumstance for _any_ reason at all, I'll see to it myself that you're crippled in a ditch somewhere."

I swallowed hard at hearing her words; mostly because I could guarantee that she was serious about every single one of them.

"You don't want to be serving the population of this small town burgers and fries from a wheelchair for the rest of your life, do you Edward?"

"No," I said, shaking my head involuntarily. Her intense stare was so intimidating.

"Good. Now let's eat," she said with a smile that came out of nowhere.

"Okay," I said.

After dinner and a few more harsh words from Rose, I decided to open the bag Alice delivered. I wondered what could be so important that Esme would have her deliver it to my work.

I pulled something light wrapped in brown paper out from the sack. It was postmarked from here in Forks again and had writing scribbled on the side of it: _Make sure this gets to Edward immediately, no matter what!_ It looked like Carlisle's handwriting.

Rose had already left and Bella and Jasper were in one of the back rooms filing paperwork that had piled up over the weekend. I opened the paper to find a Spider Man costume and an envelope inside. Inside of the envelope was a Hello Kitty card with the same handwriting as before. _Put this on and meet me at the corner of Rhodney and Wood Monday night at nine pm. _

Was he serious? It was already eight-thirty and my shift wasn't supposed to be over until ten tonight. How would I explain this to Bella and Jasper? I couldn't imagine the trick-or-treating excuse would work. It wasn't even October.

"Hey you two," I said, slipping into the room where they were filing.

"Hey," Bella smiled. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I said.

"I mean," she clarified, "About all that's happened in the last day. I'm sure it's strange to think about. But I'll bet you'll be glad to be in on it."

"Yeah," Jasper laughed. Then he turned to a very small whisper, "That kind of cash has some serious advantages!"

"Oh, I'm sure it does," I said. "You know, I don't want to cause you three any trouble or anything. If it's going to be a burden for you to add a fourth member to your team, I promise I can keep my mouth shut about everything. You don't have to bother with letting me in if you don't want to. I wouldn't even know _how_ to do what you guys do."

Jasper laughed and Bella smiled.

"Edward," she said, moving very closely to me, "We'd actually been looking for a fourth for quite some time. We thought of looking outside of town for someone, but then you moved in."

"Yeah," Jasper agreed. "Your moving in was our lucky day! When we realized what kind of talents you had to offer…"

"Wait," I interrupted, "What do you mean by _talents_? I moved here and struggled to find a job and the one I finally found was the crappiest one anybody could possibly have. I have no idea what you even mean when you say the word _talent_."

"We've done our research," Bella smiled.

"And we noticed you have an uncanny way of keeping your mouth shut about things," Jasper said. "With your father's misfortunes and with your family falling apart all around you…"

"And with how you've not only managed to hide it all, but take care of them while you're at it," Bella said, "It's just what we need! Plus, you're a nobody."

"Gee, thanks."

"That's a _good_ thing," she said. "No one would suspect _you_ because you're just an ordinary guy! And the fact that you can keep your trap shut is all the better. Plus, you're clever."

"And just trust us when we say that you're the perfect one for the job!"

"So, what _is_ the job exactly?" I asked.

"That we'll have to cover another time," Bella said.

"How about after work tonight?" Jasper asked.

"Oh, well, about that, um…"

"What is it?" Bella asked.

"I have something I have to go to." I held up the costume.

"What in the crap is that thing?" Jasper laughed.

"It's a Spider Man costume," I said.

"But what is it _for_?" he asked.

"I have to go meet my dad."

Bella and Jasper turned toward each other and laughed until they cried. I got the strange feeling that they knew something I didn't about all of this.

"Well," Bella smiled, "Good luck with that."

"Call us when you're done, Spidey!" Jasper said before buckling over in laughter again.

I went out to my car and drove a few miles from the station before I stopped and put on the costume. I parked in the lot of an abandoned store and hopped out of the car as soon as I was fully _dressed_. I didn't want to be seen by anyone hopping out of my car. I decided it would be best to walk the several blocks I had to go, and I just prayed that no one would call Charlie about a suspicious _character_ walking around town. If anyone saw me, at least they wouldn't know it was me. Every square inch of me, including my face, was covered by this ridiculous costume.

It was two minutes 'til nine that I arrived at the intersection where I was supposed to meet Carlisle. I hopped back in alarm when a shiny black limousine swerved up to the curb where I stood. The driver hopped out of the front and ran around to open the door for me.

"Get in," he said.

"Carlisle?" I asked. "What are you doing driving a limo?"

"Never mind that now. We don't have time. And I _don't_ drive a limo, by the way. I stole it."

I hopped in the back seat next to a man I presumed was the real driver. His hands were tied behind his back and an apple was stuffed in his mouth. He was only wearing his boxers. Sitting next to him was a terribly obese man chowing down on a huge Italian sub. He was sweating profusely and smelled like cigars.

"Welcome Edward!" the stranger said enthusiastically. "Carlisle was right! I _do_ like you already. You have an honest face."

What was he talking about? He couldn't see my face. It was under the Spider Man costume.

Carlisle slammed the door shut behind me and in a heartbeat we were swerving out of Forks in the stolen car.

…

A/N: An obvious disclaimer- I didn't make up Spider Man; I just used the idea of the costume in this chapter. Also, once again, I don't own Twilight or anything affiliated with Twilight. I just like writing fanfic. That's all!

Thanks for reading, and until next time,

Steph


	7. The Bait and Hook

**EPOV**

The night was just getting worse and worse. Just worse and worse and worse and worse.

We drove to a crappy brick building with boarded up windows that I _naturally assumed_ was abandoned.

"This is where we live," Carlisle said with a bright smile.

"Just frickin' great, dad." I rolled my eyes. "Who do you mean by _we_?"

"Me and Courtney."

"Courtney?" I asked incredulously. "Who the hell is _Courtney_?"

How did I _not_ see this one coming?

"He's the guy you're sitting next to."

I looked at the sweaty pig who was licking his fingers because there might have been a tiny bit of sauce from the sub that managed to escape the bear trap that was his mouth.

"Here's where we do the operation," Courtney, the _man_ and not a woman, said.

"Operation?" I asked. "Dad, you're not moonlighting illegal…"

"No," Carlisle laughed. "It's not that kind of _operation_."

"What does he mean, Carlisle?" Courtney asked.

"I used to be a doctor," he answered casually. "A surgeon, actually."

Courtney nodded, smiled and farted at the same time.

"Woops," he said as he waved his hand beside himself, wafting the fart particles around. I was extremely thankful for the Spidey mask in that moment, as it helped me not smell as much of the gas. Maybe that's why Carlisle chose this particular outfit? I would have to remember to thank him later, after I reamed him out for whatever he was about to reveal. I just had a feeling that none of this was going to be positive or logical. "Is that so?" the fat weirdo chuckled. "Why, Carlisle! I had no idea you were a doctor!"

"Really?" I asked with alarm. "How do you guys even know one another? I mean, you obviously can't have known each other for very long or anything?"

"Oh," Courtney replied, "We've known each other for quite awhile now. Carlisle's been investing in my business for almost two years."

I rolled my eyes again. I wondered what kind of crackpot scheme this was going to be.

"We sell video Bibles to little old women," Carlisle said.

"Well, _kind_ of," Courtney amended. "That's how the whole thing started out. But then a couple of months ago your father decided to become more involved in the business and he had a really great idea, if I do say so myself."

"Yup," Carlisle said, beaming with pride.

"And what's that?" I asked wearily.

"Well, you see, I got the idea from _The Producers_," my father started.

"As in the movie about the failed Hitler musical?" I asked. This couldn't be good no matter where he was going with it.

"Yup! We get little old women to allow us to meet with them for a consultation about buying video Bibles – because that's the bait – and then we offer them a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be an investor in a big Broadway musical! That! Now, _that's_ the hook!"

"It's genius!" Courtney said, feeling the need to add his two cents worth for whatever reason; as if it could possibly mean anything to me that he had an opinion on anything about anything at all.

"So, what's the musical?" I asked.

Courtney and Carlisle laughed. It took a moment before they were able to calm down enough to answer my question.

"There is no musical, son," Carlisle said seriously.

"So, how do you get these women to invest?" I asked. "What do you present them with? How do you get them to trust you? And how is it that only old ladies make appointments with you?"

"Well, our ad in the paper says that we offer discounts if you're buying these things for your grandchildren," Carlisle answered.

"And since they're VHS tapes, it's bound to work!" Courtney said.

"Why's that? VHS tapes are outdated. Everyone knows that!" I argued.

"Everyone _except…_" Carlisle started; "Little old ladies," Courtney finished for him. "Why do you think it is that when you get a VHS tape, it's always because it's a gift from grandma?"

"VHS tapes are all the rage among that demographic," Carlisle explained. "It's how we make sure that only vulnerable little old ladies call us. If we offered them on DVD we'd be wasting our time."

"You'd be wasting your time selling your products to people who would be interested in them?" I asked.

"It's not about selling our crap!" Carlisle argued. "Don't you see the bigger picture here? I mean, come on! Nobody _wants_ video Bibles! The old ladies don't even buy them for themselves! They get them for their grandkids because the world is full of terrible things and they think that the video Bibles will somehow make values and morals _cool_. They just want their grandkids to choose the right things in life, but even with these crappy videos, that's not likely."

"So what you're saying is that the reason these poor old women buy these video Bibles is because they're trying to protect their posterity from satanic monsters like _you_ two?" I asked.

They both nodded.

"Well, that's just _great_ dad! Just frackin' _great_!"

"So, you in?" Courtney asked.

"What? NO! I'm _not_ in. I don't want to have anything to do with this! Dad! This is a terrible idea."

"I already told you, Edward, that I feel badly about it. But we're in too deep and the last of all we've got is tied into this project. An ad went out in the Sunday paper and we're expecting a huge number of women to set up appointments this week. After we bait and hook them, we can finally get out of it! It will have paid off! Don't you see?"

"Dad, you're a jerk! And Courtney! You've got a girl's name!"

"It was a guy's name first. I just want to make that perfectly clear," the weirdo answered.

"And what about this guy?" I asked, pointing to the tied up guy who was supposed to be driving the limo.

"Oh, don't worry about him. He won't remember any of this in the morning," Carlisle said. "He's probably not even aware of where he's at. We slipped him a little ecstasy."

Courtney chuckled.

"What in the hell is wrong with you two? This is all a terrible idea and you're both sloppy! I mean, come _on_! You're slipping people drugs that make them hallucinate to steal limos and one of these days, one of these little old ladies is going to be smarter than you two. She'll figure out your scam and report you and…"

"Hold on now, Edward," Courtney interrupted, "We've got this all under control. We know what we're doing and we've never been caught and…"

"Never been caught _yet_!" I corrected.

"We won't get caught," Carlisle said confidently. "I know what I'm doing."

"Why do you think this is a good idea, Carlisle? How can my father, who used to be one of the smartest people I've ever known and who I used to be so proud of – how?"

"You'll be proud of me again, Edward. You'll see."

"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. "Can you please take me home? I've got school in the morning and work after that. I have a _job_, Carlisle. I work for the money I _earn_. And I don't lure in poor, defenseless women to make my hourly wage."

The ride home was completely silent. They dropped me off where they picked me up at in the first place. I walked back to my car and died a little inside when I saw a red truck parked next to it.

"Hey!" Bella called from her rolled down window, "Hop in. I'm taking you somewhere."

"I've kind of had a rough night," I said, taking the Spiderman mask off.

"I get that," she said with a warm smile. "But don't worry: I'm not here to make fun of you. I'm sorry you had to find out about everything with your dad. I'm sure that couldn't have been comfortable. But seriously, hop in. We've got to go."

I started walking around to the other side of her truck.

"Wait!" she called from her window. "Why don't you change into your normal clothes first?"

I heard her giggle as I hopped in my car and exchanged the costume for my work clothes.

"Why did you have to wear that thing?" she asked.

I just shrugged. "I have no idea."

...

A/N: I just want to say that I have nothing against video Bibles. I'm not making fun of anything religious or little old ladies. I think it's sweet, how my grandma always buys me things on VHS. I haven't told her that I don't own a VCR anymore. I just don't have the heart to, LOL! ;)


	8. What Does the Tooth Fairy, Lady G, etc

A/N: The official name of this chapter is _What Does the Tooth Fairy, Lady Gaga, a Chicken Called the Colonel and the Lunch Lady Have in Common?_ Of course, that was too long a title to fit in the title box, but just so you know…

And now, on with the show! I don't own anything Twilight or Lady Gaga or anyone else, or _The Wizard of Oz_, for that matter; just this story line and any jokes therein. Thank you so much for reading, and as always, I look forward to any reviews you might wish to drop!

Stephanie

…

**EPOV**

This could _not_ have been any more embarrassing. I thought the night had already been a terrible affront with Fate, but like thinking Carlisle was the one robbing the banks, I was once again _wrong_. After the video Bible rendezvous I decided that I had given my father too much credit; indeed, robbing banks was several steps above him, intellectually speaking. I couldn't believe that I was actually wishing he did rob banks, but if it were him instead of _us_ then maybe I wouldn't be stuck in the lot I was in currently.

"Okay, so here's how it works," Jasper laughed as he placed a curly long ginger wig on my head, "You go in and create the diversion. All you have to do is wave your wand around right over there. You'll block the camera to the entrance and no one will ever see me and Bella go in or out. I'll block the camera on the far left and Bella," who was dressed as Lady Gaga with some kind of circular contraption around her head and a bleached out bobbed wig with blunt bangs, "Will do the actual holding up. If you perform well tonight, I don't see a problem with cutting you in at ten percent."

"Ten?" I asked hotly. "Just _ten_?"

"Keep your wings on Miss Tooth Fairy," he chortled. "You'll earn your stripes and be equals with us someday."

We were about to hold up a small mom-and-pop shop gas station a few towns away. Rose was the get-away driver, but she insisted on dressing up as a fat lunch lady, complete with a large, hairy mole and the faux muffin top. She literally looked like Chris Farley from the _Lunch Lady Land_ skit on SNL. I have no idea where they got the old broken-down-ish short school bus she was driving, but the plan was to dump it over a cliff when we were done here.

"Will you three _please_ hurry up already?" she snapped at us. "I've got to get back soon. My curfew is at one."

"Alright, alright," Jasper laughed. "You first Tooth Fairy."

He wasn't kidding. Unfortunately, I was dressed in a sparkly Glenda (from _The Wizard of Oz_) dress and glittery wings with a sparkle wand. I also had on a prosthetic nose and lots of makeup; the _sparkle_ kind. Bella had even talked me into wearing glittery heels. She insisted that it completed the part. I decided on the ride up, when she was explaining the mission and when she handed me my costume in a trash bag, that I wouldn't bother going to jail if I got caught in this thing; I would run until I found a train and throw myself in front of it.

"And _don't_ talk. Not a single word," Jasper warned. "We don't need anyone doing any voice tracks on any of us. You might be surprised at how sophisticated technology has become these days."

This coming from a man dressed in a chicken suit with a nametag that read _The Colonel._

"Do you really think a crappy mom-and-pop shop is going to have something as sophisticated as voice tracks?" I asked.

"It never hurts to be as professional about this as possible," he replied smoothly.

I couldn't help but bust out into laughter at the sight of his face; it was just that he was wearing yellow feathers and yellow face paint and a beak, but he was so darn serious in the way he said it. Bella began to laugh too, and then Rose finally joined in.

"You know what this reminds me of you guys?" Bella asked.

"What?" Jasper prompted.

"For some strange reason, it's like the time Jasper dressed as Super Girl, Rose dressed like Michael Jackson from the _Dirty Diana_ music video and I was…"

"A vampire!" Rose remembered with fondness. "Yeah! It kind of _does_ feel that way again."

"Nothing will top the time we dressed like _KISS_ though," Jasper laughed.

"Nothing except the time _you_ were Marilyn Monroe, Jazz!" Rose snorted.

"I would have argued he was at his best when he was a taco wearing a sombrero with an alien mask," Bella chortled.

"Alright, enough fun," Jasper smiled. "Are we here to do this thing or not?"

"We're here to do it," Rose said seriously. "Now get out of the bus and rob us up some petty cash."

"Remember we had a bet, Jazz," Bella snickered.

"What does she mean?" I asked.

"Well," he said very seriously, without cracking so much as a smile, "Let's just say we should be prayin' that there's more than a hundred bucks in that till."

"Why's that?"

"Because if there ain't, you and me are dressin' like Playboy Bunnies next time."

"I seriously doubt there's more than a hundred in there," Bella laughed, "And that includes bills and change. In fact, I would be willing to bet that our costumes cost more than what we'll get out of tonight."

"Never know," Jasper said, shrugging his feather-clad shoulders at her. "Remember that time in Oregon when we hit up that old motel? You thought less than three but turns out there was more than a thousand?"

"True," she smiled. She gave me a wink. "Never know, Bunnies!"

She tossed me a gun.

"Oh crap!" I shrieked. "That things not loaded, is it?"

She laughed at me and Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Come on, partner. How else do you think one holds up a gas station?" He had a valid point.

Rose snickered and pretended to scream and tried her best to do a girly impression of me, _"That things not loaded, is it you guys? Gee-whiz!"_

Everyone had a solid round of laughs at my expense as I tucked the gun into the bodice of my pink, sparkly Glenda gown.

"Don't shoot your tits," Jasper laughed even harder.

"I _won't_," I snapped.

Bella laughed again before punching both me and Jasper in the arms. "Okay guys," she said, clearing her throat, "No more laughing for now. We've got to get down to business. You, me and Rose may have done this dozens of times already, but this is Edward's first. Let's keep that in mind tonight."

"Yes ma'am, boss ma'am," Jasper winked.

"Rose, you know the pick-up spot?" Bella asked.

Rose nodded her head.

"Good. Just remember what we talked about in the truck on the way up," Bella reminded me. "You've got to do nothing tonight. Just remember the signals we went over. And we don't expect you to use your gun for _any_ reason, but don't piss your panties and get your DNA all over the ground if you hear Jasper or me using our guns, got it? Just rendezvous back at the pick-up point if things go astray and no matter what, seriously, keep your mouth shut. You haven't been trained in the signs for speaking yet, so don't do anything other than wave that pretty wand of yours. Got it, newbie?"

"Yes ma'am, boss ma'am," I parroted Jasper's accent and everything.

"Good. Let's go," she said.

Rose dropped us off a block away from the gas station we were targeting. We walked through the trees so as not to be seen by the few drivers that would have been on the road. The beat up old place was in the middle of nowhere. Bella said it would be a perfect location for first-timers like me. I hoped she was right. I've never held a gun before, especially a loaded one. The others were confident in my ability, but they never bothered to mention what that ability might have been. I was obviously less than confident and I heard Jasper chuckle when he looked over at me.

"You'll do fine, kid," he whispered.

When we were finally at the edge of the trees by the station, Bella gave me a wink. I took my position outside of the front doors to the little place. A few guys walked out of the building and laughed at me when they saw me.

"That's _so_ a dude," I heard one of them chortle.

"How much do you think _she'll_ do it for?" I heard another one ask; though I wasn't sure if he was actually joking or not.

"Dude, that's _sick_!" said the first.

"Probably fifty bucks or something?" laughed a third.

They thought I was a prostitute! Well, that was just fan-frackin'-tastic! I can't believe they thought I'd go as low as fifty though, Glenda-Fairy or not. I was sure the dress cost _at least_ that much. There must have been something about the sparkles that shouted "cheap." Even so...

"Pigs," I muttered under my breath.

It was less than a minute later that Bella and Jasper strolled by. They didn't give me a glance as they walked inside. I turned to watch as Jasper took his spot to block the other camera inside the shop. I couldn't hear what Bella was saying from where I was outside, but I heard the shrieks of the half-dozen or so people who were hiding in the aisles as they saw the guns go in the air.

I saw the pimply kid behind the counter hand over a cash till. Bella bagged the money as Jasper took out some firecrackers, lit them and threw them into the air. That was the signal to start running, which we all did. We each went a separate way, but we caught up to one another about fifty feet away from the bus where Rose was waiting for us.

I couldn't believe what I was just a part of! The adrenaline rush was something I knew I would crave again.

"Get in you moron!" Rose griped at me as I realized I was standing a foot away from the door of the bus with a dazed look on my face.

"Fun, huh?" Jasper said as he pulled me inside.

"Yeah!" I yelled.

Rose ground the gears of the bus pretty hard as she sped off down a dirt trail in the woods. Some of the windows sounded like they might crack open at any moment as the branches of the trees knocked against the bus.

"So, how much?" Rose asked as she dodged the rougher parts of the terrain.

"Eighty-eight bucks, just about," Bella said with a grin.

Rose let out a demented laugh as she threw her head back. She sounded like an evil villain, and she looked like one too.

"The heels can't be that tall," Jasper complained.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I don't recall there being any limits on how tall the Playboy Bunny heels could be. Do _you_ remember any specifications, Bella?" Rose asked.

"Nope. None."

"Now wait just a second," I protested. "_I_ never even consented to this deal! If Jasper made the bet then _he_ should be the one to dress like Hugh Hefner's plaything, but _not_ me."

"It won't do any good to argue," Jasper said.

Rose drove the bus so near to the edge of a cliff that I was almost sure at one point that we were all going to go over the edge. I didn't want to die like this: in a dress with a wig and a wand.

"Everybody out," she said.

We went around to the back of the bus and gave it a push. We watched it plummet to the jagged rocks below. It started on fire, but not in that fancy Hollywood way.

"Hey," Jasper asked, "Who got the cash out?"

"I thought I handed it to you," Bella replied.

"Nope," he said, shaking his hand.

"Damn it you guys!" Rose howled.

"It was only eighty-seven dollars and some odd change," Bella laughed.

"Well, somebody owes me twenty-six bucks and forty cents," she snapped at us all.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"Eight dollars and eighty cents of that was Edward's and the rest was to be divided among us in thirds," she said. "That means that I should have been bringing home twenty-six bucks tonight, douche bag!" She slapped Jasper's prosthetic beak off his face and Bella started laughing. "I can't believe no one grabbed the cash out of that old tin trap before we pushed it over! Gahh!"

"The team dynamics around here are very competitive," Bella explained to me. "Everyone deserves their equal share, but tonight we lost the dough." She laughed again. "Oh well! It was only for mere practice anyway. Next week we're taking on a bigger fish!"

"We need to get him ready," Jasper said.

We walked to Bella's truck and Jasper's new car. We changed into our regular clothes, taking off wigs, wiping down our faces, and so forth.

"Good game," Bella said with a smile.

"Thanks," I said. "Not that I did anything."

"No, you did a lot," she smiled. "Blocking a camera is a must. Now that we have a fourth member to the team, there's a ton of things we'll be able to get into."

"Outfits, ladies," Jasper said to Bella and me as he knocked on the passenger window of Bella's truck.

"I'm not a lady," I said.

"Yeah, whatever, Tooth Fairy. I need your outfits."

We shoved them in the trash bag he was carrying. He walked out to a small clearing and set the bag ablaze. It took less than five minutes for everything to burn. Jasper stomped the fire out with the cowboy boots he was wearing.

"Alright you two," he said, "I'll see you tomorrow at work. Until then!"

Bella started her truck and we headed back to Forks.

"You know," she said, turning her radio off, "I really had fun tonight. I think we should do this more often."

The way she giggled made my heart speed up. I loved to watch her face glow with happiness.

"I think so too," I said with a smile.

The truth was that even though what we were doing was _wrong_, I would do anything to spend time with her.

"So, Jasper called you the Boss. Is that true?"

She nodded her head and smiled.

"Yeah, it's true. I'm the one who organizes all of our little outings."

"Why do you do it?" I asked. "I mean, rob places. You seem like the least likely person to be heading up something like this."

"Yeah," she agreed, "That's true. That probably has a lot to do with why we keep getting away with it. To answer your question though, about _why_ I do it, I guess I've never really thought about it."

"What?" I laughed. "What do you mean you've never thought about it? There must be _some_ reason. Is it for the money?"

"No," she giggled, "I couldn't care less about the money. In fact, tonight I ditched the money. I mean, sure it was only eighty bucks or whatever, but still…"

"Why did you do _that_?" I asked.

"So you won't have to dress like a dumb bunny," she said with a smile. "Jasper will argue that he never got to count it for himself and he will demand that he not be held to his end of the bargain. Rose and I will have no way to prove that there was less than a hundred dollars in that bag and so we'll have to let you two wiggle your way off the hook."

"You know," I whispered, "That might just be the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

I was taken by surprise by that thought because the more I analyzed it, the more I realized it was an absolutely true statement.

"I'm sure someone has done _something_ nicer for you than dumping eighty dollars in a bus and throwing it off a cliff?"

"Nope," I said. "Never."

We both laughed together at the idea.

"I really like you," she said suddenly, as she had once before.

"Why do you date him?" I asked. I wasn't really thinking. The words just popped out. "Why Mike Newton? You know you're better than him, don't you? I mean, you _must_ know that, right?"

She pulled into the lot where my car was parked and killed the engine.

"I guess that's probably true," she said. "I mean, I know for a fact that I'm _smarter_ than him."

"Definitely," I agreed.

"But he's part of the bigger picture."

"Oh," I said, trying to take in what that meant.

Was she planning on marrying him someday or something?

"It's not what you think," she said quickly. "I don't mean that he's part of _my_ bigger picture. What I mean to say is that we're all going to need someone to pin this all on someday. He's the perfect one for the part!"

"A patsy?" I asked.

She nodded her head and giggled.

"He's too stupid to not be led into the trap we're weaving for him. Don't feel sorry for him, by the way. He's a total dick! He's going to take the fall for the four of us one of these days. Jasper calls it _Code Alibi_. He'll be led into a certain place at a certain time and he's going to take a big fall."

"A sacrifice?" I asked.

"Yup. Hey, but every big plan needs one. This probably won't surprise _you_, but his parents moved here from Seattle a few years ago because their precious son was in a lot of trouble. He was supposed to spend some time in Juvi because he and some of his dork-friends held up a few places of their own. I've been copy-catting his _style_, if you want to call it that, and he's actually already on a suspect list down at the station. His parents paid a fortune to keep him out of jail when they lived in Seattle - which Charlie knows all about by the way - and they figured that Forks would be the perfect little place for them to get a fresh start. I guess they were wrong about that."

"But he wasn't there tonight," I said. "How is it he can be on a suspect list when he's home with his parents?"

"Who said he's home right now?" Bella grinned wickedly. It reminded me of how Rose laughed while driving that crazy bus like a mad cow.

"Where is he?"

"Whenever it's time for us to go _out_," she explained, "I always have _appointments_ set up for him. I know he cheats on me. I don't give a dirty rat's tail that he does, of course. In fact, I take advantage of that about him. I send girls his way for him to be out with. They would never confess that they're out doinking him, of course, and so he's pinned against a wall with no alibi. He's probably in the back of some girl's dad's car right now, in fact."

"How do you know these girls won't talk someday?"

"I'm the one who pays them," she admitted. "They don't know it's _me_, of course; I remain anonymous and all that. It's always funny to me how cocky Mike gets the next day, after he thinks he 'gets away' with romping around behind my back. He thinks he's able to seduce these beautiful women who are sometimes five years older than he is all by his own 'suave charms,' but what he doesn't know is that I pay prostitutes to let him think that. In fact, I pay them to let him think that _all night long_."

"And you kiss his lips the next day?" I asked. Something in me turned dark and angry at that thought. He just didn't deserve to have her in his miserable, pathetic life.

"I have to," she said, "Or he might know something's up. He thinks he gets away with everything he does, but the fact is that I'm the one getting away with everything and he's the one who's going to have a noose strung around the neck that holds his thick, big head up."

"Bella," I said very seriously, taking her hand in mine, "If _I_ were your boyfriend, I would _never_ cheat on you. I just can't believe that he would, you know?"

"It's essential that he does, though," she said. "I didn't pick him because I like him. I picked him because he's a means to an end. I'm just as bad as he is."

"If you picked me to be your fool, I would be. I would be completely," I said. "I would never have come along tonight, to do this thing. I would _never _have been a part of anything like this. But I did come along, and it's not just because I'm afraid Rose would beat the living hell out of me if I didn't, which, by the way, I know she _would_. I came because I love being around you so much that I'm willing to be an accomplice to a crime to spend time with you. I know that sounds weird, but…"

She pressed her finger to my lips and kissed my cheek. I savored the way that felt and the way her warm breath hit my neck as she spoke so closely to me.

"You're right," she said, "That does sound weird. But in a strange way, I know where you're coming from. I picked you to join our team and it has nothing to do with any background experience you have. I just like who you are. When I thought you knew that it was us who held up all those banks, I panicked. I thought you'd never talk to me again and that you'd leave the station. I didn't care if you'd have tried to turn us in. All I cared about was whether or not you'd ever speak to me again. So, I got the other two together and told them that I was going to talk with you about it. I was going to try to explain things and try to justify myself somehow. They flipped out and thought kidnapping you would be a better idea, but I was desperate to keep you in my life."

I laughed.

"We're really messed up, aren't we?" I asked.

She nodded her head. "At least we both know it though. That's why we're not crazy. Crazy people _are_ messed up the way we are, but they have no clue."

I laughed again.

"When I say I like you, Edward, I mean I really, _really_ like you."

"I really like you too, Bella. It gets under my skin that you stay with that creep for any reason. I just wish there was another way."

"There's not," she said. "But you know _he's_ cheating on _me_ right now. Why shouldn't _I_ cheat on _him_ too?"

I felt my lips curl into a smile as she pressed her lips against mine. I wrapped my arms around her as she ran her fingers through my hair, tugging at the ends. It was several moments before either of us could calm down enough to break our kiss.

"You know," I said, "This is the only part of my night that hasn't been total chaos."

"I know what you mean," she said, smiling. "This is the only time in my whole life, I think, where I feel any sort of normalcy. I've worn masks for as long as I can remember, and not just the kind we wore tonight. There's a person in here that no one really knows, but I want _you _to know me. I mean it, Edward, that I really like you."

"I mean it too, Bella, when I tell you that I really like you."

Our lips crashed together again and we picked up right where we left off.


	9. An Arm and A Leg and A Black Eye Too

**EPOV**

So crappy… this day was just… _so_ crappy.

After holding her in my arms the night before, and gently kissing and memorizing every millimeter of her tender neck – and lest we forget, her exquisite jaw line – all while running my fingers through her soft, silky hair… oh, after that one hour and seventeen minutes of pure bliss, _this_ was torture.

"Hey Cullen," the douche bag sneered as his herpes-infested lips (I'm sure) molested her soft, gentle cheek.

He knew I was bothered when he kissed her like that. He knew I wanted to pound his brains into the concrete out by the flag pole, or some other cliché meeting spot for tests of male dominance, or whatever. He knew that I knew that she wasn't mine, but he also knew I wanted her. It was his instinct – just being a guy – to know that I wanted her the way he had her.

"Oh, grow up Mike," she said, shoving him away from her before his tongue could slither into her mouth. "We're at school! Will you stop already?"

"I know you want it, baby," he laughed retardedly with a wink.

I felt my eye twitch slightly as I thought of running at him full speed and knocking the wind out of him by banging him into the lockers behind him.

"Whatever," she said, storming away from him. "I have to go to my locker. I forgot my Biology book."

He wasn't listening, as usual, to a single word she said. Instead, he was checking out the higher-up parts of the legs of a girl walking by in a short skirt that was far from meeting the demands of the oh-so-rigorous, yet never enforced dress code of Forks High School.

Bella rolled her eyes at him as she noticed his lack of attention. I knew she was used to that, but that's what made it that much worse.

"I'll go with you," I offered her. "Just know that _someone_ is happy to be spending time with you today."

"What was that, Cullen?" he roared at me when he finally realized that I she was running up to my side with a dazzling, bright smile on her face. Come to think of it, I'd never seen her smile at _him_ that way before, and I took a certain amount of pride in that fact. "You think you can escort _my_ girlfriend around the hallway? She doesn't need _you_ to do that job."

"Well, _someone_ should do it," I muttered with an evil smirk. I didn't mean to say the words out loud, but there they were: in the open, and waiting for something to be done about them, I guess.

"_What_ was that, you little _prick_?"

He took two swift strides toward me and stood there fuming like a bull. You know, like the ones in the rodeo ring with their balls tied up, which is why they're so aggressive and why they buck around like retards while grown men in cowboy hats and plaid shirts try to ride them.

"I'm surprised you heard that," I said, meeting him half way. I matched his two steps and took a third step toward him so that there was less than a foot of open space between the two of us now.

"Why's that?" he muttered darkly.

"Oh, you know. It's just that Bella's volume is usually twice what mine just was, and you never seem to hear anything _she_ says. I guess I'm just curious as to why you're so ready to hear what I have to say, and I'm a nobody to you. You see, Bella's a somebody to you – or at least, she _should_ be…"

"Are you saying I have a hearing problem?" The way he squinted his eyes – I could just tell there was no going back from here, so I kept going, like _any_ genius would have.

"Not so much a hearing problem as a _selected hearing_ problem. I don't think you deserve her, Mike. You're not an equal match for her. She's beautiful, attractive, and intelligent. You're none of those things. You're repulsive and disgusting. And stupid. Very, very, _very_ stupid. You don't listen to her and you don't give a rat's…"

I didn't see it coming, but I felt it when it hit me.

"Are you kidding me?" I laughed as I felt my left eye immediately tighten up. I laughed again, in that strange _Tyler-Durden-in-Fight-Club_ way. I heard everything coming out of my mouth, but I wasn't really consciously saying these things. I guess there's only so much thinking about what you'd really say if you only had the nuts to do it before it actually leaks out as you stand beside yourself listening. "You stupid pussy. I expected more from an athlete."

I felt another punch, this time in my front right shoulder. I laughed again, and then grabbed his throat with both of my hands. I pushed in and I pushed up. I heard the strange, rattled noise he was making as he was hissing out something about me being something with "hole" on the end of it, but I honestly didn't hear for sure what the first part was. He couldn't seem to get the word out with all the choking he was doing.

He kicked my knee, which sent me buckling down as I naturally released the grip around his neck.

"Stay the hell away from her, Cullen! I see how you always have your eye on her! Just stay the hell away! Do you hear me?"

"No, I didn't quite catch that, Mike," I said as I gripped onto his shirt to pull myself up so that I was in his face again.

He struck me across the bridge of the nose with his fist.

"Do you hear me now?" he seethed.

"Still not getting it, Mike."

He struck me again.

"Ok, I got it," I said, spitting the blood pooling in my mouth from dripping down my nasal cavity out at him. The splat on his shirt was audible. "Oh hell, I lost it," I said, laughing again.

He struck me again and again, and all I could do was laugh like a maniac. I saw, out of the corner of my eye – well, my very swollen eye at that point – Bella screaming at Mike and beating him over his shoulder with her binder.

"Stop it!" I only ever saw her mouth make the motion of the words, because I was too out of it to actually hear her voice.

Wait a minute: was I actually _bleeding_ from my _ear_? Huh- I guess I was. Oh well.

That was the last thought I had before I woke up in a sterile white room with the principal and a rookie officer sitting next to me.

"Would you like to explain to me what happened back there, Mister Cullen?" the officer asked.

"Uh…" No time like the present to be graceful and articulate, right? "Uh-uh-uh," I said while shrugging my shoulders.

It was idiot-speak for 'I don't know.' I gathered that he understood that as he sighed.

"I see," he said.

"I don't," I laughed. "Not with _this_ eye, anyway." I squinted out of my right eye as I tried to open my left. The strange sensation I felt at trying to open it while it just wouldn't open was all I could really concentrate on in that moment.

"I just don't understand how _you_ could have done it," the principal wondered out loud.

"Done _what_?" I asked. "How I could have taken a beating like that and survived?"

"No!" he shouted. "How someone as lanky as you managed to put three of our star players in the hospital just three hours ago!"

"Have I really been out that long?"

Maybe that wasn't the right thing to say in that particular moment, but my track record that day didn't reveal a sound portrait of me having my head on straight. I'd been letting a lot of words slip- none of which I regret.

"I mean," I attempted to backpedal, "In the hospital? Who do you think I've put in the hospital?"

"Mike, Tyler and Eric. They're all to injured to play this weekend, and now we have no shot at state."

"Not my fault," I said seriously. "I don't even remember doing anything!"

"It's okay," the rookie laughed. "We have plenty of first-hand witnesses who remember what you did."

"Where's Bella?" I asked.

"Miss Swan is out in the waiting room," the principal answered.

"Can I see her?"

The officer laughed while the principal scowled.

"I don't see why not," the officer said as he left. "I guess this case is closed for now. It's up to the chief what kind of charges get pressed from here on out. See you later at the office, kid. That is, _if_ you're not calling in sick tonight."

"Why would I call in?" I asked as some gauze fell off of a bloody bruise on my chest.

The principal threw his hands in the air in defeat and stormed out of the room behind the officer, who chuckled all the way down the hall. A minute later, there _she _stood.

"Well?" she said, pressing both of her hands on her hips. "Are you _happy_?"

I nodded my head. "Yes."

"Well, you _shouldn't _be Edward! Do you realize that you could've blown everything the group has worked so hard to build and protect?"

"What, by getting into it with slut-boy?"

"Yes! By getting into it with slut-boy! I thought I made it perfectly clear last night why we have to play our cards like this. We can't have him breaking up with me over this! We need him in the end."

"I can't take watching him treat you like that. I'm sorry that I went crazy, but that's what I _am_ Bella! I'm crazy for you!"

"I can see that," she said with half a smile. "Don't worry about me and him. Just worry about yourself and the group. You've got to pull it together and play your part, Edward. I'm sorry if you don't like certain things about the means to the end, but…"

"I'm sorry."

"Just listen, will you? You are lucky you only broke Tyler's arm and Eric's leg. If you injured Mike even half as badly as you did the other two…"

"What? Broke their arm and leg?"

"Let me finish! If you would have hurt Mike like that then there would be _no way_ we could pin all this on him. Don't you see that? We need him to be able to walk if we want to get away with the level of crap we're pulling. Now Charlie's involved in all this and we can't have loose ends getting back to any of our good names. He's going to come in here and talk to you, and you've _got_ to play it cool, or else we're all in for a…"

"Wait, what? Your dad? He's coming here to talk to me?"

"This is a small town, Edward. Of course he's coming to talk to you. You'll be lucky if he doesn't arrest you. You've got every jock on your tail and every cheerleader too. They're out for payback."

"I don't care," I admitted. "Everything I said and did… whatever those things might have been… they were worth it."

"Maybe," she said with one quirked eyebrow as she exited the room.

Chief Swan came in just as she had gone out.

"Edward," he said, nodding his head in greeting.

He closed the door behind him and I wondered if it would get any more awkward than it already was as he would inevitably slap the cuffs on my wrists.

"Hello sir," I said. "Am I fired?"

"Hmm," he said, cracking a smile. "No. I should say not."

My head shot up from hanging in shame to a position of alert curiosity.

"To be honest with you, Edward, that little bastard had it coming to him. I'm just glad it was you who put him in his place. I'm proud, really, that you stood up for my daughter that way. I've always hated Mike. But that fact stays right here, between you and me. Got it?"

I nodded my head.

"Now, I'm _supposed_ to be in here accosting you with all those routine questions, but I'll spare you that harassment. You're one of us, kiddo. I know you know the routine stuff. All I want to know is this…"

I waited to hear what his one question would be.

"How in the hell did you manage to kick those kids' rear ends after taking such a beating yourself? I honestly wouldn't have thought you had it in you. No offense, but your brother I could see pulling those kinds of moves. Just not _you_."

"Oh, well, um…" What does one really say to that?

"Oh well," he chuckled. "It's over now. I guess I just wish I could have been there to see it for myself. I've got to go write this report up. You'll be released from here in about an hour. Shall I presume you're calling in sick tonight?"

"No sir," I said without missing a beat. "I'll see you after school, just like every other work day."

His eyes went wide as he laughed out loud. "Alright then. I'll be seeing you soon." He continued to laugh as he left the room.

A few minutes later, Jasper walked in.

"Hey Tooth Fairy," he grinned. "Too bad we burned the wings already. The sparkles would have really brought out the black and blue of your face. How you holdin' up, by the way?"

"I'm fine," I said, perhaps too seriously.

"I can see that. You know, though, that if you'd have screwed up our little mission today, what you're sufferin' as you lay there is only a portion of what Rosie would'a done to ya."

"Yeah. I know."

"You're lucky that kid's walkin' outta' here without crutches."

"I know."

"Rose is gonna' let you have it. I don't know how we'll calm her down when she hears of this."

"I know."

"You should get your crap. The nurse is on her way to have you sign some papers. Then you're out of here."

"Okay."

"And by the way, I'll be driving you home tonight."

"Why's that?"

"Because the football team of Forks High stole your luxurious 1972 Fleetwood Eldorado and they are probably setting it ablaze for the revenge party bonfire tonight. Your crap-team doesn't have a chance in hell of making it to state now, as if they ever did," he snorted with laughter. "And, _of course_, they blame _you_ for that; not their crappy playbook and sub-par, weak little legs."

"Okay," I said nonchalantly. I didn't care. I wasn't exactly in love with the shoddy old station wagon anyway. "They should have told me. I would have chipped in for the box of matches."

We both laughed until our sides felt like they would split. I wondered what else would split open from the laughter: probably my swollen face and bruised up neck, arms, chest and abs. Oh well.

It was only ten minutes later that I was walking out of the double sliding doors of the emergency exit with Jasper holding up half of my body as I limped to his new car. I wasn't entirely sure that I didn't have internal bleeding, though the nurse insisted they already scanned me for that.

"So crappy," I muttered. "This day has just been _so crappy_."

…

A/N: Thank you _Fight Club_, for being such an awesome book and movie. And thank you to Brad Pitt for being such an awesome (and hot) Tyler Durden. To those of you who noticed the "Lou Scene" in this chapter, you are awesome!

Question: Who else can see Edward Cullen as a sort-of-Tyler-Durden? Just tossing it out there, ;)

Until next time,

Stephanie (aka, the author who _loves you_ and loves reviews too)

...

I'm now off to update _Legerdemain_. See you all there! :D


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